November Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are
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ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
November brings a frosty chill to the air as well as to Athena's relationship with her boyfriend who insists that they go to a local "TGIFriday's" for Thanksgiving this year rather than to your parent's house, thinking perhaps of last year's debacle when the two of you got put at the children's table where there was limited alcohol and Jimmy got the wishbone even though you told your mom you wanted it. You have to admit it did get a little intense when you started flinging peas at Jimmy and he retaliated by telling everyone that you were in the car making out with your boyfriend when everyone else was in the kitchen looking for the gravy boat. Now that you think of it, the chances of getting a wishbone are much improved at a large eating establishment. .(...) FULL STORY>>
By Debra Victoroff
Make Your Low Self Esteem Work for You!!
We are not going to waste one second of your not-so-precious time with phony advice about how to improve your self image. If you've already got low self esteem, we wouldn't dream of touching what nature and a dysfunctional family so generously provided! But before we go on, just take our little test to be sure you're not burdened with self esteem.
Please answer Yes or No to the following five simple statements:
1. I brush my teeth in the morning before leaving the house.
2. I leave the house.
3. I get up in the morning.
4. I own a toothbrush.
5. I deserve teeth.
By Kate Heidel
November Bride Dish with Mags and Dags
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please help settle a family debate. Is it appropriate for the bride and groom to have their own "sweetheart" table? I say it is, but I'm hearing major opposition. I need your help…a spa day rests on this.
Sore Sadie Spa Seeker
MAGS: Wow, your family is super involved in your lifestyle! Look, what you do in a hotel, motel or super discreet massage parlor is your own grown-up business. I have this friend called Corky, only we call her "Quirky", because she's really into fetish stuff, leather, dungeons; the whole bit. She's so masochistic she refuses to let a guy pay for dinner! I know, freaky-deaky. Anyway, her parents are the old-fashioned types, so they just exchange birthday cards and bake pies together. I think that is refreshing because they never have to hear about Quirky's "sweetheart" table, let alone see her tied to it! (...) FULL STORY>>>
By Christina Delia
HW SEASONAL RERUNS
Turkey 101
How to Roast a Perfect Turkey
What You'll Need:
- A large roasting pan
- Toothpicks
- Kitchen twine OR old shoelaces
- Bulb baster
- Stuffing mix
- Butter
- Wine
By Elizabeth Hanes
Every family has one -if not twelve -The Wishbone Warrior. Take this Thanksgiving Quiz to find out which end of the bone you're on!
1.) The wishbone is
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a. Some kind of dog librarian thing
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b. A beautiful symbol showing that even after Turkey Death, the spirit of Thanksgiving lives on.
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c. Your Cousin Mindy's pet name for her new boyfriend's... area. (...) FULL STORY>>
As the name suggests Thanksgiving should be a time of giving thanks. A time to appreciate what we have and who we have to share with. It is also a time where a fully grown woman can be scorned and marginalized for putting on a few pounds while her sister, the high-school dropout is praised to high heaven for teaching her slack-jawed son to say "paw paw."
If your family portrait would be better represented by Arbus than Rockwell these tips are for you!(...) FULL STORY>>
By now, most cautious calorie counters have found ample reason to rule out carbs, meat, and dairy. It seems that the only foods allowed to appear at mealtime are fruits and veggies, yet many women remain unhappy with their figures. Luckily, you can now rule out fruit and veggies, too! This fall, women will be putting their faith in *The Carve Diet, and as a result, putting on the happy faces (and taking off the pounds!)
By Christina Delia
LAST ISSUE:
November--Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone
Dear Readers,
First, you know when someone gets really bad news from the doctor and they say, wow, it makes me rethink all the crap, none of it is important? Guess what? I'm your doctor and I have bad news for you: You aren't going to live forever. So start rethinking crap. For instance, there are all sorts of people that you wouldn't waste two seconds on if you knew the number of the seconds you had left. And you work with some of them. However, these days, if you have a job, most likely you can't quit it even if you're at death's door. (...) FULL STORY>>
By Pamela Bongiorno Monk
Around the World with La Petite Rouge: Cancelled
You had grand plans for your summer vacation. You paid for everything in advance, but decided to skip the traveler's insurance. And then someone (and we're not naming names) drops an anvil on her foot. Now going to the remote island without cars is not only impossible, but you're out the deposit. (The cheap inn off the interstate wouldn't have billed you anything, but you can't stay someplace without decent linens, little lighthouse figurines and andirons.) You could stay home and mope, but that's not productive. You could pretend to have gone, photo-shopping your face onto images you downloaded off the Internet, but that's a little bit crazy. . (...) FULL STORY>>
By Pamela Miller
During the first few days of 2009, people across America had high hopes for their bank accounts. Things had been tight, to be sure, but the New Year, new President, and new national optimism would surely result in a few extra zeros magically appearing at the end of every person's checkbook balance. At the very least, Mr. Obama was certain to hand out a few coupons for Denny's. . (...) FULL STORY>>
By Caitlin Vincent
