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HAPPY HOLIDAYS

What's In Your Stars for 2015!

by Sharon Grehan-Howes

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) Exciting new career opportunities abound. Do not celebrate your new position by getting drunk, especially before the interview. Avoid tanning salons as you are six weeks away from looking like a baseball mitt.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) Rumours surround your place of work. The situation is made worse when people discover you were the one who started them. Avoid stencils.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19) Stay as close to home as possible. Although you are generally regarded as charming and a "free spirit" this year you will be viewed as a nut. Also, the instructions on the shampoo bottle are guidelines only.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) This will be the best year of your life. You will find love, adventure romance and win a great deal of money. Make sure to enjoy every moment of 2015 as 2016 will find you living under a bridge.

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Shut Down Your Holiday Dinner!

By Rachel Zoe

 

Preparing a holiday meal is like, fashion week, the Oscar and the Golden Globes all rolled into one. Ugh. Disaster. Mmagod. I die. The only way to do it, is to do it. Literally. No words.

 

Preparation:

 

Stay up the night before having nightmares about the day. If you don't have a pain in your stomach you're not concentrating. Remember: This is nothing but stress. Nothing. No one in the history of the world has ever had this much stress. MMagod. I die. It is on a whole 'nother level. Literally. I

 

Day Before

Decide what you are going to serve and figure out how much to serve per person.

Now you multiply the servings by the number of people attending.Write it down and take an Advil for the migraine this has caused. If you are too weak to write get your intern to do it for you.

Give the list to your business manager and catch up on your Google alerts while she grocery shops. I. LOVE. Whole Foods. It has a parking lot to. Die For. So chic.

While waiting in the car, phone your family and assistants and tell them that you are going to have the meal at your agent’s house. Call your agent and tell her the same thing. Die from exhaustion.

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Lose 57 Pounds by Christmas!

By Elizabeth Hanes

Feeling blue because you need to shed some weight fast or face attending the office holiday party in that tan polyester jumpsuit AGAIN because you can't fit into the slinky black slip dress you bought several sizes too small as an inducement to lose weight? Well fret no more! Don't let your chubby cheeks be immortalized in this year's Christmas pictures when you still have time to drop 10, 15 or even 50 pounds! With this amazing new weightloss plan, you can be as bony as a cocaine fiend within weeks - and do it without going hungry (or even using cocaine).

The secret to successful dieting lies in two things, says diet psychotherapist Juliet Lundgren: not depriving yourself and proper food combining. It's that simple! "Eat all you want, with foods combined from my three patented food groups, and you'll lose all the weight you want to," Dr. Lundgren says in her new book "The Sector Diet."

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Diary of Mrs. Claus

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

December 1

Same thing every year. I don't know why he insists on leaving everything until the last minute. It's certainly not as if they change the date each year. I get so sick of him running around in a panic. Perhaps if he spent a little less time golfing and a little more time working he wouldn't be in this predicament but he doesn't listen. Sometimes I feel invisible. I understand his career means everything to him but I think our marriage is starting to suffer.

My yoga classes at the YMCA are going very well. They also are offening a Zumba class that I might join.

December 3

I've been following that diet I clipped out of Good Housekeeping "Slim Down for the Season" and so far so good! I've lost two pounds this week!

For dinner tonight I prepared a chef salad with a vinegar and lemon dressing, a side of skinless broiled chicken and two tomato slices.

Nick finished it without a word of complaint and I was delighted!

I should have known better.

In the middle of the night I heard such a clatter, I ran from my bed... well, you know. Anyway I looked in the kitchen and there he was sitting in the dark, stuffing himself.

Honestly! The man has no self-control! He polished off a bag of Nilla wafers, a can of cocktail sausages and half a jar of olives. I was so angry.

I am very concerned about him. He's very flushed and short of breath. I took out his suit and it looks like I'm going to have to let it out at least three inches!

He says it's muscle, and I said "Well I hope you plan to lift the presents with your stomach."

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HOLIDAY CLASSICS

12 MINUTES OF XMAS
LOSE 57 POUNDS BY XMAS
SECRET DIARY OF MRS. CLAUS
RANDOM ACTS OF MALICE
STALKED BY SANTA
STRESS FREE THANKSGIVING
TURKEY 101
HW GUIDE TO WINE & SPIRITS
FUN FAMILY HOLIDAY GAMES
A VERY MERRY E-MAS
THANKSGIVING QUIZ
OFFICE PARTY DOS AND DON'TS
ANTIQUE LINENS AS EMERGENCY SHROUDS
"I COME FIRST" A HOLIDAY MANIFESTO
HW GUIDE TO DEALING WITH UNFORTUNATES