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Summer Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
The Tonys have been awarded and for once on an award show, Athena feels the prizes were justly awarded. Best dramatic play went to "An Angry Alcoholic Wrecks Her Kids' Lives". Best Musical was awarded to "An Angry Alcoholic Wrecks Her Kids' Lives, With Dance Numbers". Best comedy went to, "A Funny Alcoholic Wrecks Kids' Lives With Brilliant Comic Timing". Best revival went to "Old Alcoholic Burns Down the Mill". Other categories awarded in a private ceremony were: "Best Kiss Between Two People Who We Hear Hate Each Other", "Best Fight Scene Between Two Men Who Would Clearly Rather Be Dancing", "Best Delivery of Lines While Eating Disgusting Sponge Cake Dressed to Look Like Meat". Technical Awards were given for "Getting the Light To Turn Off Only 3 Uncomfortable Seconds After the Actor Pressed the Switch", and "Set Design In Which All Doors Refused to Stay Closed After Actor Made Entrance And Closed Door Behind Him". Athena can't wait for the Oscars. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Debra Victoroff

Your Travel Persona

In the days before cell phones, people actually had to wait in line to use public telephones. You'd need an anti-bacterial towelette to clean the receiver, but they weren't yet marketed to germophobes from foreign lands. Then there was the appearance of courtesy. When visiting another country, it was best not to behave in such a way as to blemish the reputation of an entire nation.

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By Pamela Miller

Summer Edition Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

Can you explain about money again? It gets confusing. I have an aunt of an aunt who is loaded. She has stuff out the wazoo, statues of porcelain, furniture with24 carat gold threads woven through the upholstery, which gleam right through the plastic, a coffee table with a top made of a marble slab mined in Carrara. And forget about her jewelry. Her rings along would put the entire neighborhood through college. Ok. But it doesn't please her. She spends every day in her house, with the doors locked, and peering through the Venetian blinds to be sure she doesn't open the door to strangers, salesman, those nice young men in white shirts and ties who want to save you, or relatives she thinks are after her money. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

Summer Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Jeff and I come from large families. Because of this, we are going to have many children at our upcoming July wedding. My future sister-in-law has hinted that it would be appropriate for us to hire a babysitter for the reception. She thinks it's a fair trade off, since she is allowing her daughter to be my flower girl. When I asked her and "Just who is supposed to pay for this?" she said, "You are. Consider it my flower girl fee". Is she out of line or what? (...) FULL STORY>>

IRATE IRENA FROM PASADENA

By Christina Delia

Eva Longoria Parker Terrifies Children and Wildlife on the "Desperate" Set!

Even a precious kitten cannot escape the star's heartless rampage!

Wisteria Lane. Former home to the Beav, now a hotbed of chick hormones. Not that I don't have a few of those babies swimming my own stream. But I know how to keep 'em in line so they don't get the best of me. Sorry I can't say the same for a certain Ms. Luxurious. I heard she could be Hell on Wheels, so I got a press pass to Wisteria Lane to get the scoop and dish it your way. What I saw would shake you silly. Just a friendly warning, is all. Get off now if you're the queasy type.

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By Kate "Scoop" Heidel

Economizing...isn't that something for poor people and little old ladies? Not any more, thanks to the recession! These days, vital, attractive people - people like you! - are economizing to stave off foreclosure, starvation, or Kmart. So we thought we'd give you some innovative household savings ideas for today...something other than the usual "clip coupons/turn off the lights" nagging. We convened a panel of experts - a home economist, a craftsperson, a conservationist, and a novelist - to brainstorm effective and (since we are good people) thoroughly "green" household hints. They came up with six cool suggestions; all of them show you how to recycle some of nature's own waste products, so they're totally cost-free! On the advice of attorneys, we whittled the list down to five (homicide and cannibalism are prosecuted as felonies in most jurisdictions). Following these suggestions won't banish all of your money woes, but they will help keep the wolf a few paces away from the door. Plus: the satisfaction of being "green" will make you feel a little less blue! (...) FULL STORY>>

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By Karen Craig Carter

In the 1950's it was easy to tell if you had been on a date. If you were a boy, you had lipstick on your collar and felt like you'd scored the winning goal, only better. If you were a girl, you had a crumpled pinafore and thoughts about what colour he will decorate the nursery when you're married.

Nowadays, relationships between and even within the sexes are more complicated. We live in a world of post-modern rainbow sexuality in which everything is fluid and provisional. In many ways things are better now, especially for the girls who used to put lipstick on the collars of boys who would rather be riding bare back with John Wayne; and for the boys who used to crumple the pinafores of girls who would rather be out crumpling some other girl's pinafore. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Stephen James

Shame is the New Pride!

It's not easy being a single woman in these troubled times. A crumbling economy means shoe prices are skyrocketing. With our country at war, the best and the brightest eligible bachelors have been shipped overseas for increasingly lengthened tours of duty-and most will return with crippling physical and emotional problems that will make them depressing to be around.

Recent studies have shown that a single woman past the age of twenty-seven has a better chance of finding a door in the back of her wardrobe that leads to a magical land of enchantment than she does finding a date for Saturday night. (...) FULL STORY>>

By Molly Schoemann

Madame Expert Parent Answers Your Child Safety Questions

DEAR MADAME EXPERT PARENT

Q: I have entered my twin eight year olds in the annual Run With The Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Is this a good idea? I think they would look cute running through the streets in matching outfits.

A: Well, if there was ever a parent award for most unsafe situation in which to place a child, I shall put your name forward immediately. Have you thought to ask your twins what they think? The average eight year old prefers to lick ice cream cones and make armpit noises with their cupped hand. Matching outfits or not, I doubt very much your twins would be enthusiastic about a chance to flee for their young lives down a winding cobblestone street, just out of reach of the razor sharp horns of a herd of frothing bulls. Those expensive outfits of which you speak, may become blood spattered and torn. Are you prepared for that?

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By Diane Sokoloski

Menopause Is the New Puberty

"Restaging" Holidays: If Your Big Day Wasn't Perfect, Do It Over!

"There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over" - people say this as if it were a bad thing.

Why? Anything that's not done perfectly should be done over, again and again and again, without any wimpy "waiting for the right time".

Holidays, for example. If Thanksgiving is ruined by something like the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes getting scorched, don't wait a year for your next chance - serve a whole new Thanksgiving dinner the very next day. (Why do you think the kids have it off?) The turkey will be a lot cheaper, and what you should have done will be fresh in your mind.

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By Jane Wangersky

Travel Little-Known Hints for Solo Travel in Central America

The following are some helpful guidelines for solo travelers visiting Central America for the first time. Feel free to print this list and refer to it throughout your visit to this beautiful, yet culturally diverse region.

1. Bring anti-nausea medication with you at all times. Accept the fact you will get violently ill anyway.

2. Don't assume that your new Nicaraguan boyfriend is serious when he says he has never felt this way about a financially independent foreign girl before.

3. Valium, Ritalin, Xanax and other medications your Doctor won't prescribe you (due to your addictive personality), can be purchased at the local Farmacia, no questions asked.

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By Becky Cardwell

What You Must Know Before You Even Think About Getting a Pet Slug

So your kids are nagging you for a pet slug, or maybe your significant other keeps reminiscing about the slug who was his best friend in elementary school, or maybe you've felt the urge yourself - that

longing for a tiny, slimy companion animal with no visible features. And you're about to cave in and get one. After all, they're cute, they're fun, and they're not much work, are they?

Wrong.

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By Jane Wangersky

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