Hop in de ass, as my grandfather, may he rest, used to say after
a glass of two of home made muscatel. Time to remind you of the
resolutions you should be keeping although you won't, why should
this year be any different?
1. Take stock
of who has what you want, and how badly you want it. Kiss up accordingly.
2. Figure out
who wants what you have. Decide whether or not you want to give
it to them and what they have to do to get it.
Lots of times
the same person ends up on list 1 AND 2. Then it depends which list
they are higher on.
3. To hell
with diets. Especially one that doesn't know the difference between
good bread and the crapola that most places pass off as the staff
of frigging life. Please.
4. Don't let
me stop you from exercising, but don't come crying to me when you
find out you've jammed up your knee or given yourself a hernia.
5. Family first.
Now this isn't always possible, there are a lot of real crumbums
out there and they have to be related to someone. In that case,
you might be better off taking whatever heat comes from putting
6. Screw guilt,
and regret, too while you're at it. In my book they are just barely
above pity in the Waste of Time Hall of Fame. So you made a mistake,
ok, you meant to do it, whatever, take your lumps, learn and move
on. For the love of Pete spare everyone your whining about rigged
juries or narcoleptic attorneys. No one wants to hear it.
to take care of 90% of your troubles. The other 10% is gonna come
no matter what, usually you won't know what hit you. In which case,
no point in losing sleep. God bless, Donna
is old and so am I. Our health is good enough considering we still
remember when you were lost you needed to have a dime and find a
phone booth, because he was too stubborn to ask that man who looked
like he lived in the neighborhood and the maps were kept in the
trunk of the car, because what use are they and the piece of paper
my nephew Lou wrote the directions on blew out the window when we
stopped for a calzone. But we know we can't go on forever. Here's
the question. If one of us wakes up and the other one is dead, who
do we call first: police or the funeral parlor? Winter chicken,
How well do
you know the funeral parlor director? If any, you know, "work
"is needed before the cops show up, that would be your best
bet. However, if you are not connected to any morticians in any
meaningful way, you're going to have to take your chances with Officer
God bless Donna
PS. Why aren't
you concerned that you've run out of things to talk about?
Would you publish
this public service announcement? Our organization is dedicated
to helping families throughout the nation become stronger and better,
our hotline number is open 24 hours and all calls are confidential.
Your good help is much appreciated. Dr.Samuel Viafly, Founder,
Gazing Globes for a Stronger American Family INC
With pleasure, nothing says family better than a display of garden
statuary. And nothing says garden statuary better than a pink flamingo
and a solar optic iridescent chameleon gazing globe on a polyresin
Roman column. Readers, call this number immediately.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where
she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She
pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles.
She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.
Rules of Family Archive