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MAY 2007

Dear Madrone,

I will get right to it. My ankles are very FAT. So fat that if I don't wear some kind of girdle sock, they look like pizza dough that's been rising overnight and is spilling out over the bowl just before you punch it down to reknead it. That fat. So along with the girdle socks, I always wear bell bottom pants, this works very well. No one has to know, and that's how I like it. Not that I'm vain or anything, but the rest of me is pretty darn nice. My ankles, however, forgettabout it. Here's my problem. My best friend in all the world, Lallie, is getting married and she wants me to be maid of honor. Nice, you say, how's that a problem? You wear a nice gown, whose gonna see the ankles? Well Lallie isn't a lace and roses type, she wants her girls wearing cocktail dresses. At the knee. I can't do it, Madrone, I can't. So I told her no. And now my name is mud.

Mud, Meridien

Dear Mud,

Whoa, Nelly, you are in a state, if you don't mind me saying so. Which you must not, or you wouldn't have written. ( My condolences on the ankles, see note below re girdle socks.) As to your problem, there are a couple of ways this could go.

A. Said friend knows all about your ankle fat

B. Said friend does not know.

If A, she is not your friend, and you have lost nothing you ever had. Count your blessings.

If B, then it could go a couple more ways.

1. You told her the real reason

2. You didn't tell her the real reason, you said something like, I can't be your maid of honor because I have to wait for the refrigerator man that morning. Ok, you're going to tell me the excuse wasn't that lame, but no matter what you said, to the bride it was lamer.

If 1, then she isn't your friend and you lost nothing you ever had. Again, count your blessings.

If 2, you only have yourself to blame. Deal with it.

Now, if you think I have ANYTHING to tell you that might make a bride come to her senses, no. Not possible. Weddings are like bull fights where the bull ,the matador and the crowd shouting ole! and the girls with the flowers and the guys with the pointy sticks are all one and the same. God bless, Donna

Dear Readers, An important notice from an important man who knows what he is talking about.

Dear Madrone, please share with your readers, this could save a life.

For over five years, there has been a rumor circulating on the Internet alleging that girdle socks may be a cause of Linonophobia (Fear of string). Given the seriousness of the Linonophobia issue, we can understand why women would be concerned by such rumors. However, there is no scientific or medical evidence to suggest the use of girdle socks causes Linonophobia. Neither the American String Society nor the National String Institute has recommendations against the use of girdle socks and both organizations have issued statements on their websites refuting this false rumor.

In 2005, the Cosmetic Ingredient Review (CIR) Expert Panel also considered all of the available data relating to these allegations and concluded:

"…there are insufficient data to establish a clear link between the use of girdle socks and Linonophobia. The authors of the studies that led to the suggestion of a connection between the use of girdle socks and Linonophobia, clearly state that they did not have the intention to prove such a link. In addition, two recent epidemiological studies on the use of girdle socks in relation to Linonophobia exist. The authors of these studies could not establish a relationship between the use of girdle socks and the occurrence of Linonophobia."

I hope this eases some unfounded worries. Thank you - Pinocchio YoYo, current CEO of YoYo Mamma, "your source for string"

.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

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