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NOVEMBER 2009

Dear Readers,

First, you know when someone gets really bad news from the doctor and they say, wow, it makes me rethink all the crap, none of it is important? Guess what? I'm your doctor and I have bad news for you: You aren't going to live forever. So start rethinking crap. For instance, there are all sorts of people that you wouldn't waste two seconds on if you knew the number of the seconds you had left. And you work with some of them. However, these days, if you have a job, most likely you can't quit it even if you're at death's door. So you can't exactly flip them off as you hit the road, since the road leads to your cubicle, which is next to theirs. So let me help you out.

First a warning - Be sure you understand who has what you want, and who wants what you have. The guidelines below are for people whose muscle on the job is more or less the same as yours.

And if by some miracle, you love the people you work with, and it has been known to happen, you should stop buying lottery tickets immediately to give the rest of us a shot at some luck.

TYPE  OF COWORKER

DEAD GIVEAWAY

HOW TO COPE   WHEN YOU CAN’T AVOID

GOSSIP

Can repeat breakfast conversations of people who they are not having breakfast with. 

Listen, enjoy even,  to everything this one tells you. Just don’t

A.Believe

Or

B.Repeat  

BACK STABBER

Talks down everyone and their uncle but you, in front of your face.

 

Under no circumstance join in.

Your ears burning?

That’s this one raking you over the coals, while your back is turned. 

 

CREPE HANGER

Nothing good happens in this person’s world.

Do not try either to cheer up or out mope this one.

Say “Tsk Tsk,” head shake head shake, “gotta go.”

 

PARASITE

Says WE when it’s you, you, you.

Smile, smile but don’t be a doormat.  Take credit where it counts.

DEAD WEIGHT

Does nothing.

If related to boss, tough nougies.  If not,

do not rescue. 

TROUBLE MAKER

Wherever this person goes, other people fight. But not with them.

Do not be fooled.  Ignore.   This person will egg you on, then run for the hills when you  take steps.  Will NOT, I repeat will NOT have your back.

CONTROL FREAK

Will let you do nothing. Whatever you do is redone.

Reason is no option. This is a bully, only muscle will work.  Reminder: bullies pick on the weak. 

You will only be safe if you can make them cry.

PHONY BALONEY

Kisses up, kicks down.

If your boss falls for this, you’re out of luck.  IF not, they’ll be gone soon enough. Grit your teeth.

MARTYR

Always taking blame

This problem goes away on its own.

BIG SHOT

Recites accomplishments daily

Do not puke, and do not counter. Play dead by repeating, how nice for you.

LUNCH STEALER

HEAVY PERFUMER BAD BREATHER

LOOGY HACKER

CLUELESS FLIRTER  

 

I need to explain?

If you can’t ignore, deal with it up front, and say what you’re thinking. You can’t pretend things are nice when they’re not and you didn’t want to be friends with them anyhow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are more, but usually they are some combo of the above.

 


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Bongiorno Monk is a full time faculty member of Penn State University, where she teaches creative writing, both fiction and non fiction. She pursues freelance writing, authoring plays and feature articles. She has broken nearly as many rules of family as she has enforced.

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