Dear  Madrone,

Who gets to name a baby?

Frustrated Mother of the Mother.

Dear Frustrated

Are you kidding me? The mother, with whatever say she lets the father have.   You have nothing to do with it.

God bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,

But the child in question is odd. What if she picks an odd name for my granddaughter?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

It doesn’t matter.  If the mother wants to name the baby Grinny Two Face, you go with it.

God Bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,

I know they won’t do that. But here’s the real thing. There are some dead secrets I CAN NEVER TELL, having to do with former girlfriends and ex wives and certain felonies.  What if by some horrible coincidence, they pick one of those names, or one of the names of a long list of people who have annoyed me over the years? Then what am I supposed to do?

Worried as well as Frustrated

Dear WAWF,

I don’t care.  It doesn’t matter. You get over it. Your love for this child trumps any agita from anyone else in your history.  And THAT’S THAT. If you can’t bring yourself to get over the time your Aunt Marylisa mocked you for having bangs too short, whose problem is that?

AND if there are secret names on your $#)#)$( list, you can’t blame anyone for insulting you, unless of course they are certified mind readers. So grow up. Seriously. 

God bless, Donna

Dear Readers,

The above correspondence is just one example of hard headedness and flat out stupidity I have to deal with daily. I never get over how many times I have to repeat this, because it’s never going to change.

THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF FAMILY:

NEVER GET IN BETWEEN SOMEONE AND THEIR MOTHER.

Oh, you can if you think you need to, but no one will thank you for it, no matter what.

CONFIDENTIAL TO VALENTINE FAIL

I would consider buying myself the item in question if it means that much to you, and as I believe it is illegal in the state in which you claim to reside, you might consider going through a third party. My cousin Labello has a business ThirdPartyWhatsItToYou dot com, which handles just such orders, for a very reasonable fee exclusive of any legal costs and bail money that might ensue.