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EST. May 2000 (AD)




How to Get Rich Quick Without Internet Porn!

Featured Cocktail: Millionaire Martini

How many times have you said to yourself as you forge the signature on your neighbor's "accidentally misdelivered" paycheck, "I wish I was independently wealthy"? I know I have -- many times. Which may explain why I'm wanted in seven states on forgery charges. But that's another story, for another day. Rather than following my bad example into the realm of fraud and financial schemes, check out these more legally sound ideas to put you crusin' in the lap of luxury on Easy Street. FULL STORY >>

Flirting for Fun and Profit

Featured Cocktail: Purple Flirt

Sideways glances, lowered eyelids, fluttering heartbeats - no, it's not that horse tranquilizer you just took kicking in. Rather, it's a flirty encounter with someone of your preferred sex. Sure,

everyone enjoys a little eyelash batting on occasion, but did you know you could actually flirt for profit? If you're even marginally attractive and look a little-shall we say-easy, you'll never believe how flirting can pay off. FULL STORY >>

The Solution to All of Life's Problems - Combination Workouts

Featured Cocktail: The Sweaty Bartender

You wake up in the morning. You brush your hair. You wash your face. You rub some lotion on the burns the hospital-recommended restraints caused during the night. And then (cue the music from a B-rated horror film), you step on the scale.

Thus begins the cursing, the gnashing of teeth, the burning of a Twinkie in sacrifice to the gods of weight loss. But to no avail - the scale keeps climbing, and you keep vowing that you'll make it stop, or die trying.


How to Beat the Blues to a Viscous Pulp

Featured Cocktail: The Moody Blue

From time to time, we all get a little down. Jobs, relationships, and those pesky bounty hunters on your tail can really take their toll. But there are time-tested ways to pick your sagging booty up off the floor and beat those doldrums. So when lying on your unvacuumed carpet and staring at the ceiling has worn out its healing powers, try these foolproof remedies and you'll be smiling like you did when your always-perfect friend Patty got that nasty toenail fungus.


Does Mr. Right = Mr. Wrong? A Checklist

Featured Cocktail: The Wrong Stuff

Finally! Your Aunt Gertrude is so thrilled - you have a man to bring with you to family gatherings, book burnings, trailer-warming parties, and the like. He's personable, he doesn't have a mullet or wear fringed leather, and his pesky wife hasn't yet shown up at any of your intimate dinners brandishing a six-foot scythe. FULL STORY >>

Your Guide to Dangerous Women

Featured Cocktail: The Vicious Virgin

Forget terrorism, monkeypox, and botox injections - we women know that our worst enemies are often members of our very own sex. The world is a veritable jungle filled with a villainous spectrum of women who range from brutally bitter to painfully chipper, laying in wait to solidify your sense of inadequacy, snatch the last bottle of $4 tequila from right under your nose, or swipe your signed photo of Magnum, P.I. To help you navigate this tangled web of female stereotypes - er, categories -- here is a helpful list of the Most Dangerous Women and how to guard yourself against their claws, their guile, and their almost telekinetic ability to make you want to jab a felt-tip pen in your eye. FULL STORY >>

The Art of the Gentle Letdown

Featured Cocktail: Reject-a-rita

If you're like most modern women, you probably consider yourself beautiful, talented, and unique, especially after you've thrown back a few Xanax-and-gin cocktails. But, in all honesty, you probably know you're not the next serious contender in the Miss Universe (or let's face it -- even the Miss Pork Fest) pageant.

In spite of that, you've most likely at one time or another had to tell some guy that you're not interested, in no uncertain terms. Whether it's Clammy Hands Dave who worked at Fried Steak-on-a-Stick or Skanky Pete who ran the meth lab out of his mom's basement, it's never easy to have to tell a guy "no" -- especially if his proposition for a night of take-out tacos and origami is the only date offer you've had in six months. FULL STORY >>

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved