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EST. May 2000 (AD)




How to Beat the Blues to a Viscous Pulp

From time to time, we all get a little down. Jobs, relationships, and those pesky bounty hunters on your tail can really take their toll. But there are time-tested ways to pick your sagging booty up off the floor and beat those doldrums. So when lying on your unvacuumed carpet and staring at the ceiling has worn out its healing powers, try these foolproof remedies and you'll be smiling like you did when your always-perfect friend Patty got that nasty toenail fungus.

Flirt. Nothing can raise your spirits quicker than witty banter and eyelash-batting with someone of the opposite sex. It's a clinical fact that girlish giggles release mood-enhancing endorphins ("clinical" being an amorphous, vaguely defined term). Toss in some dirty talk and you'll be glowing like a pregnant schoolgirl lickety-split. Just be sure to pick a flirt-target who will be flattered and return your affection; fast food cashiers badly in need of Acutane and aging carnival workers named Roscoe are both good bets.


Featured cocktail: Moody Blue

1/3 oz Amaretto

1/3 oz Blue Curacao

1/3 oz Gin

Glass type: Shot

Directions: Shake with ice and strain into a shot glass. After four or five in rapid-fire succession, it's guaranteed to make you forget about your unfulfilled dreams, lost loves, and balding cat.


Accessorize. Earrings! Purses! Belts! Nipple rings! Put on your bangles and spangles and glitter your way out of the gutter. The soothing "clink" of your bracelets combined with the happy "clomp" of your knock-off Prada mules will get your Chi flowing and channel all that positive energy right into your extremities, exactly where you need it. Shopping for said accessories also boosts serotonin levels and self-esteem, since earrings rarely make your lobes look fat.

Socialize. Chat, chat, chat! But more importantly: listen, listen, listen. Sure, you may be able to talk through some of your problems, but chances are you'll feel much better after listening to some of your friends' complaints. Your ruined soufflé and stained blouse probably will pale in comparison to your best gal pal's ex, who stole her Volkswagen and left her apartment smelling like bacon grease. Plus, when was the last time a Girls' Night Out didn't involve margaritas and anatomically correct blow-up dolls? Enough said.

Eat, drink, and be hairy. It's stereotypical, but true: a witchy mood gives free reign to eat chocolate, drink tequila, and throw everything your mother taught you about personal hygiene out the window. Give in to your baser instincts and let that armpit hair grow while digging in to another package of double-stuff Oreos. While in the short run eating and smelling like a pig may not significantly improve your mood, when you're feeling better using shampoo and eating something with roughage will look like a bigger accomplishment than finding a girlfriend for your outrageously flamboyant bachelor uncle, Philip.

The next time the blues root your butt to the couch, forget all that advice about exercise and anti-psychotic medications. Put on all your leftover plastic bracelets from the nineteen-eighties and go buy yourself a pint of Haagen-Daas from the not-so-cute but happily attentive grocery cashier. You'll be back up to fighting strength in no time!


.The Flask Archive

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved