Pic logo

EST. May 2000 (AD)




The Solution to All of Life's Problems - Combination Workouts

You wake up in the morning. You brush your hair. You wash your face. You rub some lotion on the burns the hospital-recommended restraints caused during the night. And then (cue the music from a B-rated horror film), you step on the scale.

Thus begins the cursing, the gnashing of teeth, the burning of a Twinkie in sacrifice to the gods of weight loss. But to no avail - the scale keeps climbing, and you keep vowing that you'll make it stop, or die trying.

But I just don't have time to work out! you think to yourself. What, with all the working and the running around and the eating, there's just not a lot of time for exercise. What's the solution, you ask? Combine tasks! There's no reason you can't burn a few calories while you're doing other things. Check out our suggestions, then create some of your own - the scale will stop climbing, and you can eliminate that nasty smell of burnt snack cake from your bedroom for good.

Ice Cream Intervals

So you have a sugar fixation. Who doesn't? When your daily trip to the ice cream parlor interferes with your workout, though, you may be tempted to listen to some of that so-called dieting "advice" that suggests you give up high-fat, low-nutrient food in favor of leafy greens and a half hour on the Stair Master. But don't you even think about it, you quitter! You can have your ice cream and lick it, too.

The exercise: Head to the ice cream parlor. When you first begin, start with something light, like a sorbet or frozen yogurt (you'll have to work up to the heavier stuff, like custards or full-cream sundaes - don't overdo it!). Purchase your tasty treat and head to your nearest high school football field, or any place with bleachers. Jog up about five

Featured Cocktail: The Sweaty Bartender

1 pint Harp's Lager

1 shot Rumplemintz

1 slice lemon

Drop the shot, glass and all, into the beer. Squeeze the lemon in to the mix for freshness. Drink two in quick succession, and you'll feel like you spontaneously lost ten pounds and therefore every able-bodied single person in the bar should be flirting with you.

steps, then take a bite. Keep going until you've eaten all your ice cream. The steps are good for your rear end, and having to hold on to the ice cream while climbing will improve your balance - as long as you don't trip and wind up face-first in a plastic bowl of mint chocolate-y goodness.

Smoke 'n Sprint

Can't quite squeeze in your long distance jog between those two packs a day? Who says smokers can't be speedy roadsters? Just because all these so-called "studies" "suggest" that smoking is bad for runners' lungs, that doesn't mean you can't cough and wheeze your way over the Boston Marathon finish line - just puff your way through that run. With that cigarette hanging out of your mouth a la James Dean as you break the tape, you could even become a highly paid poster child for Philip Morris's line of family-friendly products!

The exercise: Grab your Zippo and your running shoes and hit the road. You may try to do a "warm-up" for five or so minutes with a Virginia Slim or Misty Light, then move up to the harder Marlboro Reds after a mile or two, to get your lungs really working. Don't worry about hacking up those big gobs of black phlegm; lots of runners have mucus problems. Just spit and move on.

Department Store Dips

To shop or to weight train? This is the question that has plagued womankind for centuries. We know we should hit those nautilus machines at least three times a week, but aside from ogling the beefcakes at the squat-thrust station, let's face it -- weightlifting is about as exciting as a Kathie Lee Gifford special on Lifetime TV. So the next time you pass up the gym in favor of the mall, don't fret - you can still get in a little resistance training while you further ingratiate yourself to your credit card company .

The exercise: While waiting to pay for your purchases, lean against the checkout counter, holding on to the edge with your hands, bending your arms at the elbows. Scoot your Steve Maddens about three feet back from the base of the counter. If there's someone standing behind you, kick them (an extra calorie-burning bonus). Straighten your arms so you're standing straight, then bend your elbows so you're at a 45 degree angle from the counter. Repeat until the clerk is ready for you to sign that credit card receipt. For added fun, try it while percussion-breathing; you'll almost certainly avoid any kind of superfluous conversation with the clerk or other customers.

Bend and Sip

The Flask Files' personal favorite. A great upper-body workout, the Bend and Sip is one of the few exercises that gets easier the more you do. In fact, by the end, you may not even remember finishing your sets!

The exercise: Fill a glass with hard liquor - if you want the full benefit of this exercise, don't even think about heading for the beer or wine. Place the glass on the table; grasp it firmly in your hand, then, bending your elbow, raise it to your lips. Take a hearty sip, then, slowly, place it back on the table. Switch hands. When the glass is empty, refill. Repeat until the urge to vomit overwhelms you, or your normal babble becomes incoherent.

The hardest part of any exercise program is finding time for it. And getting started. And sticking with it. And not getting bored. But these suggestions should help! Make up your own combos based on your own vices - er, interests. Best of luck, and may the weight-loss gods smile down on you.

.The Flask Archive

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved