The Solution to All of Life's
Problems - Combination Workouts
You wake up in the morning. You
brush your hair. You wash your face. You rub some lotion on
the burns the hospital-recommended restraints caused
during the night. And then (cue the music from a B-rated horror
film), you step on the scale.
Thus begins the cursing, the gnashing
of teeth, the burning of a Twinkie in sacrifice to the gods
of weight loss. But to no avail - the scale keeps climbing,
and you keep vowing that you'll make it stop, or die trying.
But I just don't have time to work
out! you think to yourself. What, with all the working and
the running around and the eating, there's just not a
lot of time for exercise. What's
the solution, you ask? Combine tasks! There's no reason you
can't burn a few calories while you're doing other
things. Check out our suggestions,
then create some of your own - the scale will stop climbing,
and you can eliminate that nasty smell of burnt snack
cake from your bedroom for good.
Ice Cream Intervals
So you have a sugar fixation. Who
doesn't? When your daily trip to the ice cream parlor interferes
with your workout, though, you may be tempted
to listen to some of that so-called dieting "advice"
that suggests you give up high-fat, low-nutrient food in favor
of leafy greens and a half
hour on the Stair Master. But don't you even think about it,
you quitter! You can have your ice cream and lick it, too.
The exercise: Head to the ice cream parlor. When you first begin, start with something light, like a sorbet or frozen yogurt (you'll have to work up to the heavier stuff, like custards or full-cream sundaes - don't overdo it!). Purchase your tasty treat and head to your nearest high school football field, or any place with bleachers. Jog up about five
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steps, then take a bite. Keep going until you've eaten all your ice cream. The steps are good for your rear end, and having to hold on to the ice cream while climbing will improve your balance - as long as you don't trip and wind up face-first in a plastic bowl of mint chocolate-y goodness.
Smoke 'n Sprint
Can't quite squeeze in your long
distance jog between those two packs a day? Who says smokers
can't be speedy roadsters? Just because all these
so-called "studies" "suggest" that smoking
is bad for runners' lungs, that doesn't mean you can't cough
and wheeze your way over the Boston
Marathon finish line - just puff your way through that run.
With that cigarette hanging out of your mouth a la James Dean
as you break the tape,
you could even become a highly paid poster child for Philip
Morris's line of family-friendly products!
The exercise: Grab your
Zippo and your running shoes and hit the road. You may try
to do a "warm-up" for five or so minutes with a
Virginia Slim or Misty
Light, then move up to the harder Marlboro Reds after a mile
or two, to get your lungs really working. Don't worry about
hacking up those big gobs
of black phlegm; lots of runners have mucus problems. Just
spit and move on.
Department Store Dips
To shop or to weight train? This
is the question that has plagued womankind for centuries.
We know we should hit those nautilus machines at least
three times a week, but aside from ogling the beefcakes at
the squat-thrust station, let's face it -- weightlifting is
about as exciting as a Kathie
Lee Gifford special on Lifetime TV. So the next time you pass
up the gym in favor of the mall, don't fret - you can still
get in a little resistance
training while you further ingratiate yourself to your credit
card company .
The exercise: While
waiting to pay for your purchases, lean against the checkout
counter, holding on to the edge with your hands, bending your
arms at the elbows. Scoot your
Steve Maddens about three feet back from the base of the counter.
If there's someone standing behind you, kick them
(an extra calorie-burning bonus). Straighten your arms so
you're standing straight, then bend your elbows so you're
at a 45 degree angle from
the counter. Repeat until the clerk is ready for you to sign
that credit card receipt. For added fun, try it while percussion-breathing;
you'll almost certainly
avoid any kind of superfluous conversation with the clerk
or other customers.
Bend and Sip
The Flask Files' personal favorite.
A great upper-body workout, the Bend and Sip is one of the
few exercises that gets easier the more you do. In
fact, by the end, you may not
even remember finishing your sets!
The exercise: Fill a glass
with hard liquor - if you want the full benefit of this exercise,
don't even think about heading for the beer or wine. Place
the glass on the table; grasp
it firmly in your hand, then, bending your elbow, raise it
to your lips. Take a hearty sip, then, slowly, place it back
on the table. Switch hands.
When the glass is empty, refill. Repeat until the urge to
vomit overwhelms you, or your normal babble becomes
incoherent.
The hardest part of any exercise
program is finding time for it. And getting started. And sticking
with it. And not getting bored. But these suggestions
should help! Make up your own combos based on your own vices
- er, interests. Best of luck, and may the weight-loss gods
smile down on you.
