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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Flirting for Fun and Profit

Sideways glances, lowered eyelids, fluttering heartbeats - no, it's not that horse tranquilizer you just took kicking in. Rather, it's a flirty encounter with someone of your preferred sex. Sure,

Featured Cocktail: Purple Flirt

1 ½ oz Vodka

¾ oz Black Sambuca

2 oz Cranberry Juice

Build over ice in an Old Fashioned glass. Be sure to leave a big, sexy lipstick mark on the glass - guys love messy makeup!

everyone enjoys a little eyelash batting on occasion, but did you know you could actually flirt for profit? If you're even marginally attractive and look a little-shall we say-easy, you'll never believe how flirting can pay off. So pucker your lips, flash a little cleavage, and become part of this age-old barter system today.


Butter up the Burrito Man

If you're like me, you've developed an uncontrollable addiction to the overstuffed burritos at that nearby Mexican fast food chain. In addition to the horrific bloating and the twelve-pound-weight-gain these little lovelies can cause, they can also put a severe dent in the ol' wallet. What's the solution? Make friends with one of the male workers, of course. Here's a sample conversation between you and Mr. Burrito Roller:

You: Oooh. I like the way you slap that salsa on there.

Him: Hot or mild?

You: Hot. Of course. I like them hot. (gratuitous lip-licking can enhance this comment)

Him: Guacamole?

You: Yes. (with more lip-licking) Pasty green goo is sexy.

Him: What?

You: You know. (look at him meaningfully)

Him: M'am, I don't know what you're getting at.

You: I know what I'm trying to get at.

Him: I'm going to get my manager.

You: Oh! A threesome!

Manager: Please don't harass my employees.

You: Would you rather I harass you instead?

Manager: Security!

In this scenario, you may want to wear jogging shoes.

Go Goofy for the Grocer

So you don't go in for the take-out burritos; you still have to eat, right? And eating means a trip to the grocery store. But if that pesky garnishment the state slapped on your paycheck is making things a little tight, you may find yourself having to discover the wonders of store-brand condiments. Before you resort to generic horseradish, though, try cozying up to the melon man or the bag boy to see if you can share in his significant employee discount.

Grocery-store flirting presents some unique challenges, though. These guys see women come in and out all day, some who may have the same designs on their discount that you do. To overcome these jaded butchers and bakers and get their attention, you may have to get creative. Some suggestions: naughty produce performance art, erotic canned-goods juggling, or a baked-goods strip tease.

Play up the Personal Trainer

Say you want to work out more, but just don't have the dough to hire yourself a beefy stud to whip you into shape. All you have to do is - you guessed it - flirt! Trail one of these specimens of manhood around when you're at the gym; pay close attention which muscles he flexes most in front of the mirror. Then you can personalize your compliments by saying, "You could play in a jug band with that washboard stomach," or "Small children could wade in your tricep indentation." If he doesn't get you banned from the gym, he'll be working you out in no time.

Be cautious, though: make sure you pick a trainer that will respond well to your flirtation. Not all of these hunka-hunka curling lovemuffins will be swayed by your feminine wiles.

These are just a few examples; there are lots of other instances where flirting will get you everywhere. So go out, buy that new Miracle Bra, slap on some fresh mascara, and get ready to giggle and hair-flip your way to financial freedom.

The Flask Archive

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved