PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to Get Rich Quick Without Internet Porn!


How many times have you said to yourself as you forge the signature on your neighbor's "accidentally misdelivered" paycheck, "I wish I was independently wealthy"? I know I have -- many times. Which may explain why I'm wanted in seven states on forgery charges. But that's another story, for another day. Rather than following my bad example into the realm of fraud and financial schemes, check out these more legally sound ideas to put you crusin' in the lap of luxury on Easy Street.

Be Crafty

Five years ago, the word "scrapbook" was merely an innocuous noun, something that high school students kept to record and remember things like their first date, their first keg party, their first - well, you get the point. But now, "scrapbooking" is a verb that encompasses an entire lifestyle: there are scrapbook parties, stores, mail-order catalogs, swap meets. I've heard in some rural towns there are even late-night scrapbook cult meetings that involve burning expensive decorative paper and photo corners in effigy to ask the gods for help with those hard-to-

Featured cocktail:

Millionaire Martini

1 ½ oz Gin
¼ oz Chartreuse
A handful of silver ball decorative candies

Shake over ice and strain.

Drop the candies for that "rich look" in and add an olive or two for nutrients.

Toss back a few of these and you'll have enough of an inflated sense of self-esteem that it doesn't matter you only have $7.26 in your checking account.

design holiday pages.

The point is, there's gold to be mined in the craft industry. Do you think the people who came up with rubber stamping as an art form, the macramé movement of the seventies, or those little potholder kits languish in impoverished obscurity now? Hell no! They're living the high life, with the largest assortment of decorative scissors, multicolored yarn, and embossing tools in the known world at their very beck and call. And sometimes they get to be on the Home and Garden network on TV.

So get to creating! No idea is too silly - just make sure it appeals to a wide audience. Shaving and painting cats, for example, will eliminate from your consumer base anyone who doesn't own a cat. Shaving and painting your head, on the other hand, could theoretically appeal to everyone.

Think Chic

Do you think it took someone with the creative genius of Gucci or Versace to come up with fluorescent pink plastic shoes or tie-dyed T-shirts that change color with body heat? More likely, it was a woman just like you who bet her girlfriends over a few margaritas that people would buy hoop earrings the size

of shower curtain rings if they were told it was fashionable, and she'd be the one to prove it, by gum. And now, where do you think that woman is? Okay, she probably has earlobes so stretched that they are only considered attractive by select African tribes and is being hit up by her friends to buy the margaritas -- but nevertheless, she had the satisfaction of realizing her dream. And her unattractive earlobes can't take that away from her.

To come up with a great new fashion trend, look around your house for inspiration. The more dangerous the idea, the better; most people believe a certain amount of pain needs to accompany anything that is chic (why else would thongs be so popular?). Think "interesting" materials: wood, plaster, Saran-Wrap, wrought iron. Just remember that you have to be prepared to model your new creation - how else will you gain your fortune and fame?

Start a Family

Did you know who Paris Hilton was a few years ago? Blissfully, probably not. Now, the leggy blonde can't fall into a fountain at an Oscar party without making news. For a girl who dresses almost exclusively in stapled-together handkerchiefs, wears more makeup than a drag queen on Karaoke night, and has no discernible talents that you can see without night-vision goggles, she gets an inordinate amount of press. We don't need to ask why she's so popular. The Internet thing aside, it's because she's rich. Filthy rich. By absolutely no fault or virtue of her own. Which comes to our next money-making idea: find an obnoxiously rich family and get them to adopt you.

The idea seems preposterous, you say? Not so. Do you think the Hiltons would turn down the opportunity to claim a well-behaved, fiscally responsible, down-to-earth woman that doesn't spend $750 on shoes that she ruins by spilling rum-and-diet-Coke on them as their own? A woman who knows what "pick up after yourself" means? A woman that won't be in and out of rehab for the next ten years - because that first time will be all you need, darn it? Think about it.

Note: some people (Anna Nicole Smith, for example), may maintain that it's easier to find an obnoxiously rich man and marry him for the money, but I'm sticking with the adoption theory. You don't have to worry about the obviously uncomfortable sex issue, and any jealousy or rivalry with his children will be of a sibling variety, not an oedipal one.

Sue, sue, sue

In today's litigious society, this one may seem a bit obvious, but I'll throw it out anyway: to win your fortune, sue a deep-pocketed company for big bucks. You may think it can't get more asinine than suing McDonalds' for making people obese, but there are actually lots of other stupid lawsuits just ripe for the picking. And they have the potential to make you lots and lots of dough! Here are some suggestions: