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The Gas Guzzler Guru On: Engine Empathy

By Lis Baumann

My Chrysler New Yorker just celebrated her 80,000 mile birthday recently by ruining her carburator. Oh, if only my ex-boyfriend were still around to fix her for free and give her the pampering and attention I had neglected to give her myself. But since my current boyfriend knows very little about engines, and my mechanic wants $600 that I simply don't have, I've been trying another method to keep my car alive.

My ex used to swear that talking to a car creates a loving bond and makes her want to perform better for her owner. So that's exactly what I've been doing. It's cheap, it's simple, and it really does seem to generate results. Since I started this new therapy, which I call Engine Empathy, my car has been stalling out less and it only takes three attempts to get her started before she finally turns over in the morning.

Should you wish to try it for yourself on your car, you must keep a few things in mind. First, a little praise goes a long way. Constantly remind your car how much you love her and need her. Tell her how much you hate the bus, and how taxis make you cringe. Let her know just how special she is to you and how much you depend on her. Second, don't hold back on the affection. Rub her steering wheel while you drive. Come up with pet names for her, like "baby", "girlfriend", and "sweetie pie". Pat the dash board while waiting at a red light; rub the hood of your car as you pump gas into her hungry little tank. Don't get distracted by the attention you receive from other drivers as you go through these motions. Just flash them a dazzling smile while you continue chatting happily to your little buddy. If you're lucky they'll think you have a hands-free cell phone.

Third, and most important, don't make promises and then break them. Don't bribe your car into good behavior by swearing that you'll get her hand washed, then take her to one of those drive-through brush places to save money. Don't tell her you'll only buy 93 octane and then fill her up with regular. She'll remember what you told her and feel very let down if you go back on your word.

Lastly, don't stint when it comes to gifts. Lavish her with little tokens of affection that only a lady could appreciate....sweet smelling air freshener, cute little stuffed animals for the rear window, ornaments to hang on the rear view mirror. Put some potpourri in the ash tray; wrap her cold vinyl seats in sheepskin.

Try these tips and see if your little gas guzzler isn't running better for you within a matter of weeks. And if all else fails, and you see no improvement, get friendly with your local mechanic. What your ex doesn't know won't hurt him.

Copyright 2002 Lis Baumann

About the author:

Lis Baumann lives in Long Island, New York, and works as an administrative assistant. Her hobbies include writing short stories and poetry, as well as drawing and reading.