How to WOW in 7 Simple Steps
By S.B. Shoemaker
You know how it is - with all the demands
on a modern woman we just never have enough time for ourselves. Husbands,
kids, school, work, household chores, car maintenance, and
operating heavy machinery take priority, while our needs are ignored.
The results are all too apparent: our
skin becomes lackluster or develops unsightly dry, flaky patches; instead
of a chic coif we have a droopy "do"; and our clothing! Saggy
baggy sweats equal instant dowdy. And our
makeup! So last year!
Being a Mom doesn't automatically mean
you have to look maternal. Just a few small changes in your daily routine
can change that dreary "Mom" look into a WOW look that
will have your man - and your pets - eating
out of your hand.
1. Adequate rest is essential to
your good looks. Before getting out of bed in the morning, ask your
husband to get you a glass of water. When he leaves, lock the door behind
him and go back to bed. After all you've
done for your family, you deserve a few moments of peace and quiet and
a little extra beauty sleep will do wonders for that haunted look
you've been wearing ever since your kids
became Goths.
2. Duct tape makes a fabulous and
inexpensive addition to your personal care arsenal, replacing wax and
body scrubs. By using it for hair removal, you not only get smooth,
stubble-free legs, you also remove those
extra layers of dead skin cells, exposing the new skin hiding underneath
to reveal a younger looking you!
3. Duct tape can also be used to
restore the perkiness you lost after the second pregnancy. Just tear
off a strip about 12 feet long and carefully wrap around your breasts,
molding into the desired shape. Before you
begin, be sure to complete a test patch on your nipples to check for
any adverse reactions.
4. The essence of beautiful hair
is a good basic cut and the right styling products. This needn't be
expensive. The choppy, tousled look is all the rage right now, a look
easily achieved with a little confidence
and a four year old with scissors. Afterwards, you can keep that "fresh
from the salon" look all day long - mix equal parts school glue
and mayonnaise, comb evenly from
roots to ends, then arrange in the desired shape and let dry.
5. A fabulous appearance starts
with beautiful skin. A good facial is essential but not everyone can
afford a trip to the spa. With careful use, your iron can do double
duty - just set to "steam"
and smooth those wrinkles away!
6. Once you've finished moisturizing
and de-creasing, head to your closet and your pantry. Grab a slip, your
scissors, and some Lime gelatin. The bold, cut-out designs in
bright neon colors straight from the Milan
runways are fast and easy to achieve. With just a few snips of the scissors
and a quick tint from the gelatin, you can become a high fashion
goddess your husband will adore.
7. Artfully applied makeup is the
finishing touch to the new you. Back to nature is the latest trend and
the ingredients are no farther than your own kitchen. A good,
fresh-looking base that evens out skin tones
and helps hide imperfections is all-vegetable shortening (avoid lard,
it contains cholesterol). Pre-tint to match your complexion using
instant coffee, ketchup and mustard. Remember to blend well! Dry raspberry
gelatin adds a natural, rosy glow to lips and cheeks. And because your
eyes are the window to your soul,
add some smoky highlights with ground sage and emphasize your lashes
with some molasses.
With these seven simple steps, you will
be instantly transformed. Your family won't recognize the new you! And
when you need a quick pick-me-up, don't forget that MOM is just
WOW upside down - so stand on your head and be ready for the many compliments
that follow!
©2004
SB Shoemaker
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Susan, a former flight instructor and air traffic controller, now spends most of her time looking for her car keys. She lives and writes in southern Wisconsin, but would much prefer to spend winters drinking and writing in the south of France. If you bothered to read this far, please contact all the publishers you know and tell them to send her money. Or you can cut out the middleperson and just send it to her directly. Or wire it, because it isn't safe to send cash through the mail. And ever since that incident involving the Fantasy Chippendale League, she no longer trusts the staff here at HW. Even though it was just a joke and she got her money back.
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