A Lycra of Love: Your Support Tights and You
By Gemma KennySince recognized youth-writer Judy Blume published Are you there God? It's me, Margaret in 1970, legions of young girls around the world have conducted stretching exercises to increase the size of their bust. At the age of 13 they conduct the 'pencil test'; a rite of passage that involves placing a pencil horizontally under one breast and letting it go. If the pencil clatters to the floor, the breast is considered more bud than boob and no bra is required. If the pencil stays in place, a brassiere-shopping excursion into womanhood follows.
Less well recognized is the 17-year intervention in which 13 turns to 30. Almost two decades after shopping for that first brassiere the pencil test applies again. Take the pencil. Place it horizontally under one butt-cheek. Does it clatter to the floor? No?
Congratulations, your ass has passed the pencil test - welcome to the world of the support stocking.
Previously favored by petrol station
heist experts for the flattening effect on the nose, support hosiery
is an underrated essential in the lingerie wardrobe of those no
longer in their twenties. Bonuses include sparing oneself the indignity
of fake tanning and the little-known fact that support stockings
are to silk stockings as Kevlar is to plaid. Ladders are at worst
unlikely; at best they mean you've been having an interesting day.
Unfortunately support stockings get bad publicity due to an undeserved
association with blue rinses and a pervasive smell of urine. 
However, support hosiery - when used appropriately - can only be of benefit. The following firming facts are guidelines only; we cannot take responsibility for injuries, friction burns or accidental strangulation caused by improper use of extra-strength hosiery.
Firming fact number one: it all looks the same when you throw away the packaging. Once you've discarded the card, no-one but you need never know it's a support stocking.
Firming fact number two: if your date knows the meaning of 'denier', he's gay and it was never going to work anyway.
Firming fact number three: those wobbly bits have to go somewhere. If you do not purchase the correct size of support hosiery, both your butt and your belly will migrate north like a slightly less elegant version of the Monarch butterfly. The subsequent effect is similar to wearing a swim ring under your clothes; you'll have the tightest buns and the sparest tire in the universe.
Firming fact number four: when replacing your car's fan belt with stockings, support hosiery can get you up to three times further than silk stockings. This makes all the difference in the middle of the desert.
Firming fact number five: support hosiery is not appropriate for bedroom games. It knots more tightly than silk and should only be used in conjunction with a pair of scissors and some soothing salve. However, it may have supplementary use as a rope for shimmying out of windows.
Your thirties are a difficult decade. Having not yet achieved the ethereal attractiveness of your forties, the halcyon years of your early twenties are still close enough to be raw. Men your own age think you're past it and 17 year old boys don't fantasize about you. Support hosiery can help to ease the transition. If nothing else, you can use them to make toys for your two cats.*
*It is a proven fact that women in their thirties who wear support hosiery have cats.
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY GEMMA KENNY
New Research Proves Stroking Hairy Men Lowers Blood Pressure
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Gemma Kenny lives in South East England, where she regularly moans about the weather. Originally of Irish origin, she took her husband's surname when she married. This is because it was two letters different to her maiden name and easier to sign.
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