Your Pursonality Revealed!
By Elaine Langlois
Do you seek self-knowledge? Are you trying to discover the
real you? Forget that weekly therapy 
session-and
the strain on your purse that accompanies it. Now you can
use that purse for something besides carrying personal belongings
and swatting importunate salespersons. You can be your own
therapist, with the hottest new trend in psychology: handbag
analysis.
How does it work? Simply open that pocketbook and dump its contents on your coffee table. Then read them, like a soothsayer examining the entrails of a goat or an anthropologist scouring an ancient garbage dump. What does your handbag reveal about you?
Practical
OK, we know this one. Wallet. Checkbook. Keys. First aid kit.
Brush, comb, and mirror. Lipstick. Lip balm. Antibacterial
handwash. Granola bar. Mints. Sewing kit. Emergency cash tucked
in a discreet pocket. Folding scissors. Notepad with pencil.
Last will and testament. Tweezers. Duct tape.
Thrifty
Your hefty purse (it was on sale!) rattles with the loose
change you've scraped from public fountains and scavenged
from below the drive-through window at fast-food restaurants.
It rustles with packets of ketchup, mustard, sugar, salt,
and pepper-you haven't had to buy a condiment in years. You
always carry a few Ziploc bags for visits to buffets. Chicken
breasts and tubs of butter . . . you can save 'em for later.
Mary Poppins
You tend to be overly cheerful, prone to singing with the
birds and fond of pithy expressions like "spit-spot." You
carry a magically lightweight carpetbag from which you can
draw useful items like hatstands.
Glamour
Puss
There isn't a beauty product flogged in women's magazines
that you haven't invested in. Your purse is a multicolored,
heady repository of the latest scents, eyeshadow, eyeliner,
eyelashes, lip pencil, lip balm, lipstick, lip gloss, body
gloss, hand cream, foundation, face powder, and blusher. Like
an international spy, you can go into a women's room and come
out a half-hour later with nobody recognizing you.
Silly
Little Minx
You sport a variety of cheap, vinyl confection-like containers
with noodly straps whose contents are a perpetual surprise.
You open one and out tumble bubble gum wrappers, a scrap of
paper with that special someone's cell phone number, tutti-frutti
lip gloss, turquoise eye glitter like Tinker Bell's pixie
dust, who knows? Mom won't let you have a house key, but there
are 20-odd key chains dangling from your bag that blink, beep,
or bear fur.
Urban
Professional
You carry a purse so lightweight that you're forever checking
to be sure it's on your shoulder. Its sleek compartments hold
bills, checkbook, license, a few credit cards, cell phone,
keys, lipstick, pen, and practically nothing else. Try wedging
in some eye drops and you've reached critical mass. You're
constantly borrowing, buying, and throwing away things because
you don't have room to carry them with you.
Certainly these bags convey a professional image. But beware. A no-nonsense handbag may give men the impression that you are not "good wool." Choose a soft, sensual leather. Indulge in a print of frolicking butterflies for spring. Remember that there's no position in a woman's life so dignified or professional that she shouldn't be tarting up for it.
Which brings us to a related subject. What should we put in our purses to attract men? When you get right down to it, that's all we really want, isn't it?
That
regular guy
A six-pack and potato chips.
The Doctor
Acetaminophen. Acetomyophin. Acetylene. A prescription pad.
A stethoscope for listening to the rapid beating of each other's
hearts. One of those kinky little reflex hammers.
The Bodybuilder
Overwhelmed by all those muscles you see displayed on narcissistic
chaps at the spa? Feather your purse with soy protein bars,
sports drinks, and anabolic steroids. A must-have is one of
those slithery little body leotards weighing .25 oz. Be sure
to pack a ton of makeup so you can look fetching as you sweat.
The Sportsman
Fishing lures. A hip flask. Camouflage makeup. Beef jerky.
Live bait.
So, reader, what should you do, now that you are at peace with yourself and flush with all the money you have saved by being your own analyst? You should embark on a quest to find the perfect purse. Look for that perfect lipstick and container of lip balm, too, so the next time you run into Brad Pitt's counterpart at the video store, you'll be ready. And don't forget duct tape.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Elaine Langlois is a writer and editor.
Her new monthly HW column "The Skinny" will be debuting next month so keep your eyes peeled!
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