New Study Names Food as Culprit in Heart Disease

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New Study Names Food as Culprit in Heart Disease;

Experts Suggest Starvation as Alternative to Eating

By Meredith Litt

For Maria Lancaster, it was just another Friday night at her local buffet restaurant in July 2003. Lured to the buffet table by intoxicating aromas of nacho cheese and undercooked beef, she built an impressive mountain of six-inch magnitude out of the restaurant's tasty cuisine and sat down to enjoy her evening meal. At 400 pounds, she felt healthy, vibrant, and hungry.

Ten minutes later, she was convulsing beneath the electrical currents of the defibrillator that, ultimately, saved her life.

"I had just swallowed a mouthful of melted cheese when everything went black. I don't remember a thing except the taste of that cheese," Lancaster admits. Appearing grief-stricken by the memory of the cheese, she continues tearfully, "My doctor tells me that I can't eat anymore. He just attended a conference in D.C. that presented research to indicate that eating of any kind is a guaranteed path to cardiac hell. And, I, for one, am seeking redemption."

Lancaster has been on a starvation diet since St. Patrick's Day.

"The greatest hoax of our generation is not the crash diets or the low-carb craze. The greatest hoax is the paradigm of 'healthy eating.' I am here to tell you that no such thing exists. The only safe, healthy lifestyle is one that does not include food."

Dr. Hale T. Chest corroborates Lancaster's shocking claim in a recent interview: "I promise you that food will kill you far more quickly than starvation ever could. Remember: teeth are vestigial organs. Yes, the body requires sustenance for survival; however, that sustenance should occur only in the form of water and vitamin supplements. It is when we dabble in such witchcraft as solid food that our cardiopulmonary systems fail. If you have followed the health reports for the past decade, you will know that every single vitamin, lipid, and mineral has been called into question. It is not fat, cholesterol, or sugar that kills us; it is food as an organic whole. Even vegetables," he adds, casting an admonishing glance my way as I take a bite of unadorned Romaine lettuce.

What is the solution? Dr. Chest alludes to water and vitamin supplements in his interview, promoting a simplistic, minimalist diet that shuns solid food in favor of nutrient-filled tablets. These tablets, assert members of the Anti-Defecation League, hold the power to prolong longevity by as many as five minutes.

"The devil tries to tempt us into transgression, into premature death, with convenience stores and supermarkets. Do not be fooled. These establishments are hotbeds of cardiac arrest and sin," comments Constance Pated, vice-president of the Anti-Defecation League.

For Maria Lancaster, the water diet has become more than a way of life, but also a mode of spirituality. "I call my God 'Agua' now. I realize that water is a deity, something to be worshipped and revered. Food is nothing more than a tasty ticket to Hades, and hunger pains represent a sort of beautiful suffering, a gift from Him. I have learned that hunger is not something to be repressed, but celebrated."

She is currently working with other culinary refugees to establish Aquatism as a government-recognized faith. She can be found on street corners, shouting the ADL's mantra: "Food creates vegetables."

Dr. Hale T. Chest could not be reached for further comment, as we learned that he recently perished after an hypoglycemic episode.

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