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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Acrostic Action: How to Get Some This Valentine's Day

By Christina Delia

So you want him to be your valentine. First, you're going to have to learn how to be his. If you're dating a man, chances are that his attention span is short. Sure, he seems like he's into you, but he has also expressed interest in Marilu the Mousy Librarian and Doreen the Distressed Damsel. What's a confused and lovelorn female to do? This Valentine's Day, be the other woman (women?!?) in his life and learn the simple rules of *The Acrostic Action Attitude.

Vixen- She's hot, she's cold. She's a man-eater who happens to be on a diet. What better way to kick off the Valentine's Day festivities than getting in touch with your inner Vixen?

Sultry Suggestion: Offer him a glass of ice water (heart shaped ice cubes are a must.) If your man doesn't take it fast enough, throw it in his face. Then excuse yourself and go to the powder room to make yourself luscious. Return to serve him a heart-shaped steak on a heart shaped plate and then whine about how he never buys you diamonds. The trick is to vary being as cold as ice water and as sizzling as sirloin. Men eat this stuff up!

Angel- The Angel combines the flighty charm of a hippie with a wardrobe that used to be shunned post-Labor Day. A celestial meal of angel hair pasta and angel food cake will work to enhance your cherubic charm.

Sultry Suggestion: Renting a harp is a nice touch. You don't have to play it, just flutter around it ever so often.

Lady- Once, twice, three times...he won't be able to get enough. The Lady Persona is the closest you can come to being yourself when applying The Acrostic Action Attitude. Yet the key is to always be your best-dressed version.

Sultry Suggestion:
Dressing the way you would for a Court Date is just the ticket to winning your man's heart. Dressing for a wedding will only scare him away from the aisle....and for a long while!

Empress (The Introduction)-Tell him what to do. It really is that simple.

Sultry Suggestion: Wear a tiara for extra dignity!

Nurse- A costume and stethoscope can really make or break this Acrostic Attitude.

Sultry Suggestion: When looking for inspiration regarding playing the Nurse, steer clear of "One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest". (Lobotomies are not for lovers.) Also please note that neither the tongue depressor nor the thermometer is the preferred amorous prop for The Nurse Persona (that squeezie thing that takes your blood pressure is.)

Twin (or triplet)- Sometimes romance really is all smoke and mirrors.

Sultry Suggestion: If you're feeling frisky, burn some incense and take a journey through the looking glass! There's a reason why Hailey Mills made a name for herself in the "Parent Trap" movies…and let's not forget Hugh Hefner's thoughts on the matter.

Ingénue- If The Ingénue were playing baseball, she would bat her eyes before stepping up to bat. Remember this when channeling this wide-eyed looker. The world is a great big place, but luckily for The Ingénue, there's a great big man to help guide her through it. A modern gal will lose patience with this "babe-in-the-woods" routine, so it's best to do Ingénue in moderation.

Sultry Suggestion: Wear fake eyelashes and bat like a heavy hitter.

Nice Girl- Not to be confused with the elusive Angel. The Nice Girl might live next door or inside of the pages of his high school yearbook (in all actuality she is most like the type of girl whose picture comes with store-bought photo frames.)

Sultry Suggestion: Replace all of the framed photographs in his house with photos of yourself picnicking, kayaking, roasting marshmallows, and sitting underneath random trees. Hire a professional photographer to capture these images of you if necessary. Your man won't be angry when he sees that the framed family photo from Uncle Morty's Retirement Party has been upgraded to one of you wearing a denim jacket while blowing soap bubbles. Well, he probably won't be too angry.

Empress (The Return of)- Because by now you've certainly earned the right to boss him around!

*The Acrostic Action Attitude is in no way connected with psychiatric mood disorders. If you are experiencing symptoms that surpass the healthy standard of behaving a certain way to impress men, perhaps it is best to seek professional help.

©2004 Christina Delia


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Christina Delia is a freelance writer of humorous essays, screenplays, and poetry. She likes her problems rare and her men well done.

Contact Christina Delia ( replace x with @ before sending.)


DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved