Somethin's in the Air, but It Ain't Love
By Ryan Reeves
In America, Tuesday night on TV is Crime Night. With basic cable and a fast remote control, you can catch all or part of about 15 different true crime investigations (20, if you turbo-charge the remote). If any off-the-cuff conclusion can be drawn from these tales of terror, it is that a third of the murders involve a man killing a stranger, while at least two-thirds involve a man killing his wife or girlfriend.
To the novice murder victim, it might seem kinder to be murdered by a spouse than by a stranger. However, there's something to be said for avoiding being murdered all together. While there are lots of self-help guides that identify stranger dangers, there don't seem to be any that provide warning signs of a husband about to go off the deep end. Below are some activities that should send shivers down the spine of every wife:
1. You've got no outside income, but he takes out a $200,000 life insurance policy on you, anyway. Then he wonders if that's enough.
2. He gambles or makes bad investments, and tells you it's none of your business.
3. Dollar signs appear in his pupils when he looks at you.
4. He has a drinking problem, but he tells your friends that you drink too much.
5. He dreams of early retirement
in a wilderness location or Brazil.
6. He exhibits a heretofore dormant interest in libraries or internet research.
7. The mail brings brochures for crematoriums or brown paper packages from Paladin Press. Paladin's popular themes from the past include "how to dispose of a body, "hit man," and "how to change your identity and disappear".
8. He refuses to see your family more than once every five years; he tells you he's the only friend or family you'll ever need.
9. His first wife fell off a scenic overlook, drowned in a hot tub or developed some illness that couldn't be diagnosed. He buys a new hot tub you didn't ask for.
10. He's never cooked before, but shows an unexpected enthusiasm for preparing your meals.
11. He keeps a supply of ant or rat poison, even though you haven't seen any infestations.
12. He comes home "from work" reeking of perfume, he doesn't work in a perfume factory, and he's adamant that he doesn't believe in divorce.
13. He spends a lot of time in the back yard digging.
14. He's glued to the television every Tuesday night and takes notes.
15. Last, but certainly not least, he says, "If I can't have you, no one else will."
To be fair, these warning signs could also apply in the much rarer occurrence of a wife planning to "do in" her husband, though women tend to be a little more subtle. Let's face it, for murders of individuals, the dictionary supplies homicide-related words for the killing of a mother (matricide), a father (patricide), a parent or relative (parricide), an infant (infanticide), a sister (sororicide), a brother (fratricide), a husband (uxoricide, who knew?), and even a king (regicide), but have you ever heard a word for a wife who kills her husband? In any case, whether the killer is the husband or the wife, the murder usually occurs because of something he did.
Motives may differ-love, money
or plain old obsession-but spousal murder happens. Wives would
do well to take the proper precautions. Watch television every
Tuesday night-and take notes.
© 2003 Ryan Reeves
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ryan Reeves is a freelance
writer and illustrator in Boulder, Colorado.
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