What's In Your Stars for April?
By Sharon Grehan-Howes
Aquarius
(1/20 - 2/18) Exciting new career opportunities abound.
Do not celebrate your new position by getting drunk, especially
before the interview. Avoid tanning salons as you are six
weeks away from looking like a baseball mitt.
Pisces
(2/19 - 3/20) Rumours surround your place of work this
month. The situation is made worse when people discover you
were the one who started them. Avoid stencils.
Aries
(3/21 - 4/19) Stay as close to home as possible. Although
you are generally regarded as charming and a "free spirit"
this month you will be viewed as a nut. Also the instructions
on the shampoo bottle are guidelines only.
Taurus
(4/20 - 5/20) This will be the best month of your life.
You will find love, adventure romance and win a great deal
of money. Make sure to enjoy every moment as May will find
you living under a bridge.
Gemini
(5/21 - 6/20) You will defrost your fridge on the 18th
creating many exciting new opportuneness for food storage.
You will start to look at the number five in a whole new light.
Cancer
(6/21 - 7/22) You think you've found the key to happiness
but getting highlights in your hair will not will not make
up for your many character flaws. And remember as a general
rule subway token booths are not the place to practice your
haggling skills.
Leo
(7/23 - 8/22) Cumin has been around for a while you did
not discover it so shut up. Black will make you look fat.
Virgo
(8/23 - 9/22) This month you will be guilty of very poor
judgment. Although you have always dreamed of having a sunken
living room, please show some consideration to the people
in the apartment below. Yes, your head will fit between the
railings of your balcony.
Libra
(9/23 - 10/22) You will get into an argument this month
and you will be 100% wrong. Please remember that clapping
your hands over your ears while yelling "Bee Bi Biddy
Bum Bum" is not considered a graceful retreat. Blue
is not your colour and crosswalks are there for a reason.
Scorpio
(10/23 - 11/21) Still nothing. Sorry.
Sagittarius
(11/22 - 12/21) You will make many exciting discoveries
this month so be sure to wear rubber soles . Peer pressure
plays a big part as you purchase 4 pairs of espadrilles even
though your ankles start somewhere between your thighs and
your toes.
Capricorn
(12/22 - 1/19) You will welcome any diversion this month.
Keep in mind however that the UPS man has little interest
in your spoon collection and that telephone operators rarely
appreciate hearing "guess".
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