EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Dear Audra

I recently watched the Lifetime Television for Women original movie, Innocence Lost: Every Woman's Nightmare in which Jaclyn Smith discovers her best friend and husband are sleeping together. All I have to say is Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!! I had no idea that backstabbing, husband-stealing best friends were so common, let alone "every woman's nightmare". As a result of your broadcast, I have severed all ties with Patricia, my best friend of twenty-seven years, hired a private detective and purchased a wig in the event I have to escape into the night. In addition, I periodically wake my husband from a dead sleep by whispering "Patricia... Patricia..." over and over while stroking his penis with a carving knife.


Eyes Wide Open in Cleveland

Dear Eyes, You may be a bit off the mark. Innocence Lost: Every Woman's Nightmare was not a story of best friend betrayal. Rather, the MOW to which you refer starred Kate Jackson (not Jaclyn Smith) and was part of our This Could Happen to You marathon. It centered on a young girl whose transsexual grandmother disguises herself as a youth minister and ritually abuses the teenager for nearly a decade as part of a Satanic cult. The movie was based on the true story of an Idaho girl who went missing for a few hours one Sunday afternoon and was later discovered at her best friend's house playing with a Ouija board and drinking grape pop. Instead, your letter must be in response to Every Woman's Loss, starring Jacklyn Smith, part of our Immodium AD Scared Shitless week. First, let me congratulate you on your enlightenment. The vast majority of women live in a dream world never considering the harsh realities of Satanic, ritualistic abuse, scizophrenic transsexual grandparents, or polygamous husbands. It is our mission here at Lifetime to change that. Lastly, I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your friend. But, as our prime-time drama Any Day Now demonstrates, the only way to truly have a friend is to move to Alabama and meet an upper middle-class, African-American woman with whom you can share tender black and white, pastel-tinted flashbacks of your own lost innocence.

Here for you,


Audra Columbiin-Masacarra is a charter member of the cultural elite. As such, she is only available for a select pantheon of Hollywood bigwigs and wealthy hyphenates. Others (this includes you, Valerie Bertinelli) wishing to contact Audra may do so through through her ward, R. Hall, a New York based freelance writer.

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