|
Dear
Audra
I recently
watched the Lifetime Television for Women original movie, Innocence
Lost: Every Woman's Nightmare in which Jaclyn Smith discovers
her best friend and husband are sleeping together. All I have to
say is Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!! I had no idea that backstabbing,
husband-stealing best
| Audra
Columbiin-Masacarra is
a charter member of the cultural elite. As such, she is
only available for a select pantheon of Hollywood bigwigs
and wealthy hyphenates. Others (this includes you, Valerie
Bertinelli) wishing to contact Audra may do so through
through her ward,
R. Hall, a New York based freelance writer. |
|
friends
were so common, let alone "every woman's nightmare". As a result
of your broadcast, I have severed all ties with Patricia, my best
friend of twenty-seven years, hired a private detective and purchased
a wig in the event I have to escape into the night. In addition,
I periodically wake my husband from a dead sleep by whispering "Patricia...
Patricia..." over and over while stroking his penis with a carving
knife.
Signed,
Eyes
Wide Open in Cleveland
Dear
Eyes, You may be a bit off the mark. Innocence Lost: Every
Woman's Nightmare was not a story of best friend betrayal. Rather,
the MOW to which you refer starred Kate Jackson (not Jaclyn Smith)
and was part of our This Could Happen to You marathon. It
centered on a young girl whose transsexual grandmother disguises
herself as a youth minister and ritually abuses the teenager for
nearly a decade as part of a Satanic cult. The movie was based on
the true story of an Idaho girl who went missing for a few hours
one Sunday afternoon and was later discovered at her best friend's
house playing with a Ouija board and drinking grape pop. Instead,
your letter must be in response to Every Woman's Loss, starring
Jacklyn Smith, part of our Immodium AD Scared Shitless week. First,
let me congratulate you on your enlightenment. The vast majority
of women live in a dream world never considering the harsh realities
of Satanic, ritualistic abuse, scizophrenic transsexual grandparents,
or polygamous husbands. It is our mission here at Lifetime to change
that. Lastly, I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your friend. But,
as our prime-time drama Any Day Now demonstrates, the only
way to truly have a friend is to move to Alabama and meet an upper
middle-class, African-American woman with whom you can share tender
black and white, pastel-tinted flashbacks of your own lost innocence.
Here
for you,
ACM
Ask Audra1
Ask Audra 2
Ask Audra 3
Ask Audra 4
Ask Audra 4 |
