PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Dear Audra,

I have been an enormous fan of the enchanting, preternaturally youthful, Miss Jane Seymour for at least twenty years. Jane must have been in her VERY early teens the first time I saw her in one of her many astonishing performances. Perhaps it was as

Audra Columbiin-Masacarra is a charter member of the cultural elite. As such, she is only available for a select pantheon of Hollywood bigwigs and wealthy hyphenates. Others (this includes you, Valerie Bertinelli) wishing to contact Audra may do so through through her ward, R. Hall, a New York based freelance writer.

the cheerful, knowing, YOUNG, schoolmarm, Miss Moger, in the groundbreaking 1977 Made for Television Motion Picture, James at 15. If I'm not mistaken, The New York Times said of her performance, "Never has a twelve year old so thoroughly captured the essence of a middle-aged teacher (and looked so cherubic, yet mature doing it![!!!]" (emphasis added).

As you can imagine, I was crushed by CBS's untimely cancellation of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, about which The Christian Science Monitor wrote "the best thing that ever passed through a cathode ray tube." According to the imbeciles at the Eye Network, the target audience (upper-middle class YOUNG women) did not fit their advertising schemata. I wonder if Lifetime has any plans to broadcast Quinn in reruns, as I have been hoarding my money ever since, unable to decide where to spend my oodles and oodles of cash without the endorsement of England's Rose.

Signed,

Curious in an objective sort of way

Dear Jane,

There are no plans at press time to broadcast your "programme". If that should change, I am confident you will be notified through your representatives at Schifty, Lyers, Arrus, LLC.

Here for you, Jane,

AC-M

(Note to my readers: The following Easter-related questions reached yours truly a bit late this year as I have been in England consoling and advising my dear friend, the loose-lipped, Sophie Rhys-Jones. Print and attach the following to the white shoes you will once again wear out of season next year at this time.)

Dear Audra,

As a politically correct kinda gal, I have some concerns regarding the observation of the Christian holiday commonly known as "Easter". On the one hand, I would like my children to participate in the pastel festivities. However, I also want them to fully appreciate the season's pagan origins.

Signed,

Multi-culturally yours

Dear Multi,

The answer is simple. As your children gather in their seersucker knickers and organza bonnets, heels dug deeply into the dewy grass, ready to spring forward into an enchanted forest of hidden eggs, each hoping to win the giant chocolate bunny, simply shout:

"The one who finds the most dead chicken fetuses gets to eat the totem to rutting and excrement."

Reading between the lines,

AC-M

Dear Audra,

How can we even begin to properly thank the One Who has been spreading joy throughout the world for two thousand years? Prayers and hymns seem so insubstantial.

Signed,

Inadequate

Dear Inadequate,

How about with a resounding, heart felt: Thank you, Cher!

Dear Audra,

In the early days of Lifetime Television for Women, every Sunday afternoon for several hours you abandoned your signal to some sort of medical education broadcaster. After a trying morning of church and serving my family a lunch of low-fat quiche and organic salad, I would unwind amidst the floral splendor of my chintz custom-fitted slip-covered sofa, happily anticipating a good ol' Kristy McNichol date rape yarn. Instead, I would be assaulted with the deeply disturbing image of an exposed, beating heart or a freshly amputated, gangrenous limb.

Audra, why is it that in the name of "science" you broadcast gruesome horrors such as the one above and yet shy away in the name of art? Why just last Sunday I was enjoying your tale of a teenage narcoleptic/molestation victim, Asleep at the Feel, starring 80's hotshots, Alyssa Milano and Mark Harmon. Harmon, fearing Miss Milano would awaken to discover his wandering hands, stabs the poor dear darn nearly to death. My children and I were deprived of this all-too-common savagery, settling for a few drops of blood splattered against Alyssa's Wham! Poster. Now I enjoy a blood-soaked George Michael as much as the next Christian, but PLEASE. Where is the reality?

Slice it and Serve it up,

Portland

Dear Slice and Serve,

I couldn't agree more. Sadly though, unlike networks such as HBO and American XXXstacy who are free to pursue art without censorship, we are bound by FCC constraints. Therefore, we here at Lifetime are excited to announce our new pay-cable incarnation, Lifetime: Television for Lurid Women. The first order of Lurid business will be remakes of our own movies with all the pay-off scenes you missed the first time around. You can look forward to an unexpurgated autopsy performed by Linda Carter as a small town County Medical Examiner whose keen, subtly-mascara'd eyes uncover a heinous crime of necrophilia in 1991's Post-Coital Mortem. Serving it to order, we remain.

Here for you,

AC-M

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