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Dear
Audra,
I have
been an enormous fan of the enchanting, preternaturally youthful,
Miss Jane Seymour for at least twenty years. Jane must have been
in her VERY early teens the first time I saw her in one of her many
astonishing performances. Perhaps it was as
| Audra
Columbiin-Masacarra is
a charter member of the cultural elite. As such, she is only
available for a select pantheon of Hollywood bigwigs and wealthy
hyphenates. Others (this includes you, Valerie Bertinelli) wishing
to contact Audra may do so through through her ward,
R. Hall, a New York based freelance writer. |
the cheerful,
knowing, YOUNG, schoolmarm, Miss Moger, in the groundbreaking 1977
Made for Television Motion Picture, James at 15. If I'm not
mistaken, The New York Times said of her performance, "Never
has a twelve year old so thoroughly captured the essence of a middle-aged
teacher (and looked so cherubic, yet mature doing it![!!!]" (emphasis
added).
As you
can imagine, I was crushed by CBS's untimely cancellation of Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman, about which The Christian Science
Monitor wrote "the best thing that ever passed through a cathode
ray tube." According to the imbeciles at the Eye Network, the target
audience (upper-middle class YOUNG women) did not fit their advertising
schemata. I wonder if Lifetime has any plans to broadcast
Quinn in reruns, as I have been hoarding my money ever since,
unable to decide where to spend my oodles and oodles of cash without
the endorsement of England's Rose.
Signed,
Curious
in an objective sort of way
Dear
Jane,
There
are no plans at press time to broadcast your "programme". If that
should change, I am confident you will be notified through your
representatives at Schifty, Lyers, Arrus, LLC.
Here
for you, Jane,
AC-M
(Note
to my readers: The following Easter-related questions reached
yours truly a bit late this year as I have been in England consoling
and advising my dear friend, the loose-lipped, Sophie Rhys-Jones.
Print and attach the following to the white shoes you will once
again wear out of season next year at this time.)
Dear
Audra,
As a
politically correct kinda gal, I have some concerns regarding the
observation of the Christian holiday commonly known as "Easter".
On the one hand, I would like my children to participate in the
pastel festivities. However, I also want them to fully appreciate
the season's pagan origins.
Signed,
Multi-culturally
yours
Dear
Multi,
The
answer is simple. As your children gather in their seersucker knickers
and organza bonnets, heels dug deeply into the dewy grass, ready
to spring forward into an enchanted forest of hidden eggs, each
hoping to win the giant chocolate bunny, simply shout:
"The
one who finds the most dead chicken fetuses gets to eat the totem
to rutting and excrement."
Reading
between the lines,
AC-M
Dear
Audra,
How
can we even begin to properly thank the One Who has been spreading
joy throughout the world for two thousand years? Prayers and hymns
seem so insubstantial.
Signed,
Inadequate
Dear
Inadequate,
How
about with a resounding, heart felt: Thank you, Cher!
Dear
Audra,
In the
early days of Lifetime Television for Women, every Sunday afternoon
for several hours you abandoned your signal to some sort of medical
education broadcaster. After a trying morning of church and serving
my family a lunch of low-fat quiche and organic salad, I would unwind
amidst the floral splendor of my chintz custom-fitted slip-covered
sofa, happily anticipating a good ol' Kristy McNichol date rape
yarn. Instead, I would be assaulted with the deeply disturbing image
of an exposed, beating heart or a freshly amputated, gangrenous
limb.
Audra,
why is it that in the name of "science" you broadcast gruesome horrors
such as the one above and yet shy away in the name of art? Why just
last Sunday I was enjoying your tale of a teenage narcoleptic/molestation
victim, Asleep at the Feel, starring 80's hotshots, Alyssa
Milano and Mark Harmon. Harmon, fearing Miss Milano would awaken
to discover his wandering hands, stabs the poor dear darn nearly
to death. My children and I were deprived of this all-too-common
savagery, settling for a few drops of blood splattered against Alyssa's
Wham! Poster. Now I enjoy a blood-soaked George Michael as much
as the next Christian, but PLEASE. Where is the reality?
Slice
it and Serve it up,
Portland
Dear
Slice and Serve,
I couldn't
agree more. Sadly though, unlike networks such as HBO and American
XXXstacy who are free to pursue art without censorship, we are bound
by FCC constraints. Therefore, we here at Lifetime are excited to
announce our new pay-cable incarnation, Lifetime: Television for
Lurid Women. The first order of Lurid business will be remakes of
our own movies with all the pay-off scenes you missed the first
time around. You can look forward to an unexpurgated autopsy performed
by Linda Carter as a small town County Medical Examiner whose keen,
subtly-mascara'd eyes uncover a heinous crime of necrophilia in
1991's Post-Coital Mortem. Serving it to order, we remain.
Here
for you,
AC-M
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