PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Ask Audra

Dear Audra,

I am a forty-year old married mother of two. Before having children I worked in the advertising business in New York. At my husband's insistence I abandoned my career upon giving birth to our adorable, rambunctious first child, Michael. I had planned to resume my professional life when Michael got older,

Audra Columbiin-Masacarra is a charter member of the cultural elite. As such, she is only available for a select pantheon of Hollywood bigwigs and wealthy hyphenates. Others (this includes you, Valerie Bertinelli) wishing to contact Audra may do so through through her ward, R. Hall, a New York based freelance writer.

R. Hall is a regular contributor to Modern Humorist. Check out his latest offering: You Are the Weakest Catchphrase... Goodbye! and A Democratic Response to Barbra Streisand's Memo.

but fate intervened in the form of a dominating, selfish penis. As a result, I became pregnant with our daughter, the preciously precocious Amy when Michael was two. My little wild ones are now fifteen and thirteen, respectively. As neither particularly needs or wants me around and my husband is distracted in Bali with his 19-year-old girlfriend, I am considering re-entering the job market. My question: after being out of the corporate loop for so many years, I'm concerned that my skills may be outdated. What do you think?

Feeling a bit down on myself in Philadelphia

Dear Dried Up in Philly, As you intuited, the advertising game is a fast-moving, extremely time-sensitive field. People in this profession cannot afford to miss a single minute of urbane, cosmopolitan living centering around theatre, popular culture and septum-dissolving cocaine addictions. As you have, I'm surmising, spent the last decade and a half in Lake Wobegone, mopping up puke and watching Barney, I seriously doubt you possess the sophistication necessary to sell anything but Ritz cracker casseroles.

The good news for you, Pointless Philly Existence, is that even though you are too old and too inept to think, speak or write, you are never too old to fire a gun. Have you considered a career in law enforcement? If you haven't been too busy ignoring your children's obvious huffing warning signs, then perhaps you've caught an episode of our new series, The Division. In the all-womyn cop drama, a buffet of ethnic stereotypes turn the tables on this male-dominated profession. So, if you aren't averse to the idea of a short, dykey haircut and a thread-bare leather blazer, perhaps you have what it takes to ride around in a car all day while drinking bad coffee.

Here for you,
ACM

Dear Audra, My boyfriend Michael finally proposed to me after three years of heavy petting. We have set a date in September. I'd like to know if Lifetime would be interested in filming the nuptials for broadcast on your series, Weddings of a Lifetime.

Sharing My Joy in Toronto

Dear Media Whore, I will pass along your request to the Assistant to the Producer of Weddings. Actually, I'll have my assistant, Moira, pass along your information as I do not deal directly with assistants. (For that matter, I don't deal directly with Moira. I'll figure out something.) But first, Desperate for Attention, I encourage you to reconsider your request in light of the following caveat:

Your letter mentions (inappropriately) that your fiancé proposed after years of "heavy petting". I presume this means you have fallen for the fallacious warning regarding the cow and her supposedly precious milk. Has it occurred to you that your Mr. Thirsty is only interested in marrying you for the coveted "mild-stache" promised him on your wedding night? Best think this over carefully, Pathetic Need to Flaunt Your Intimate Moments to the TV-Watching World, before your nuptials are captured forever on videotape. For what could be more humiliating a year down the road when Michael leaves you after suddenly becoming lactose-intolerant to the milk of a by-that-point-literal cow?

Here for you,
ACM

Dear Audra, Your advice seems a tad on the harsh side. While I appreciate the need to educate women to the uglier realities of life, I wonder if you might consider adding a bit of sugar to your spice.

Pollyanna in Pittsburgh

Dear Pollyanna, Of course you are right. We all need a little sunshine in our day.

Have a Happy!!!
ACM

PS: Are you absolutely certain you're not being watched right now?

 

For relationship, sex, career or family advice, email your questions to Audra at AskAudra@yahoo.com.

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