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Dear
Audra,
I am
a forty-year old married mother of two. Before having children I
worked in the advertising business in New York. At my husband's
insistence I abandoned my career upon giving birth to our adorable,
rambunctious first child, Michael. I had planned to resume my professional
life when Michael got older,
but
fate intervened in the form of a dominating, selfish penis. As a
result, I became pregnant with our daughter, the preciously precocious
Amy when Michael was two. My little wild ones are now fifteen and
thirteen, respectively. As neither particularly needs or wants me
around and my husband is distracted in Bali with his 19-year-old
girlfriend, I am considering re-entering the job market. My question:
after being out of the corporate loop for so many years, I'm concerned
that my skills may be outdated. What do you think?
Feeling
a bit down on myself in Philadelphia
Dear
Dried Up in Philly, As you intuited, the advertising game is
a fast-moving, extremely time-sensitive field. People in this profession
cannot afford to miss a single minute of urbane, cosmopolitan living
centering around theatre, popular culture and septum-dissolving
cocaine addictions. As you have, I'm surmising, spent the last decade
and a half in Lake Wobegone, mopping up puke and watching Barney,
I seriously doubt you possess the sophistication necessary to sell
anything but Ritz cracker casseroles.
The
good news for you, Pointless Philly Existence, is that even though
you are too old and too inept to think, speak or write, you are
never too old to fire a gun. Have you considered a career in law
enforcement? If you haven't been too busy ignoring your children's
obvious huffing warning signs, then perhaps you've caught an episode
of our new series, The Division. In the all-womyn cop drama,
a buffet of ethnic stereotypes turn the tables on this male-dominated
profession. So, if you aren't averse to the idea of a short, dykey
haircut and a thread-bare leather blazer, perhaps you have what
it takes to ride around in a car all day while drinking bad coffee.
Here
for you,
ACM
Dear
Audra, My
boyfriend Michael finally proposed to me after three years of heavy
petting. We have set a date in September. I'd like to know if Lifetime
would be interested in filming the nuptials for broadcast on your
series, Weddings of a Lifetime.
Sharing
My Joy in Toronto
Dear
Media Whore, I will pass along your request to the Assistant
to the Producer of Weddings. Actually, I'll have my assistant, Moira,
pass along your information as I do not deal directly with assistants.
(For that matter, I don't deal directly with Moira. I'll figure
out something.) But first, Desperate for Attention, I encourage
you to reconsider your request in light of the following caveat:
Your
letter mentions (inappropriately) that your fiancé proposed after
years of "heavy petting". I presume this means you have fallen for
the fallacious warning regarding the cow and her supposedly precious
milk. Has it occurred to you that your Mr. Thirsty is only interested
in marrying you for the coveted "mild-stache" promised him on your
wedding night? Best think this over carefully, Pathetic Need to
Flaunt Your Intimate Moments to the TV-Watching World, before your
nuptials are captured forever on videotape. For what could be more
humiliating a year down the road when Michael leaves you after suddenly
becoming lactose-intolerant to the milk of a by-that-point-literal
cow?
Here
for you,
ACM
Dear
Audra, Your advice seems a tad on the harsh side. While I appreciate
the need to educate women to the uglier realities of life, I wonder
if you might consider adding a bit of sugar to your spice.
Pollyanna
in Pittsburgh
Dear
Pollyanna, Of course you are right. We all need a little sunshine
in our day.
Have
a Happy!!!
ACM
PS:
Are you absolutely certain you're not being watched right now?
For
relationship, sex, career or family advice, email your questions
to Audra at AskAudra@yahoo.com.
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