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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Making a Profit While Making Babies

By SB Shoemaker

You've been putting it off for ages.  All that inconvenience, the mess and – oh the expense!  Having a bundle of joy used to mean dropping a bundle of cash, but not anymore.

Welcoming a new baby into your home is easier and cheaper than ever before with the exclusive Bargain Baby Sponsor System® used for years by celebrities like Catherine Zeta-Jones and Anna Nicole Smith and now available for the first time to the public.

The kit comes complete with everything you need, including sperm, pregnancy test, calendar, and sponsor list with cross referenced chart for tracking each one. Just mark the calendar with your due date the instant the little plastic stick is dry (remember to wash your hands first!). Then pick up your phone and start to dial.

In a few minutes, you can regain the peace of mind most parents sacrifice for at least eighteen years.  Selling rights to your child's future makes soundproofing the nursery affordable, allowing you the full eight hours of peace and quiet every night that you deserve.

Been eyeing that $2,500, handcrafted Balmoral Pram but didn't want to waste the money on someone who's just going to grow out of it anyway?  Now you don't have to!  Plan ahead for octuplets, then the manufacturer will happily give you at least one.  All you have to do is tattoo one letter on each baby's darling Buddha belly, then have them photographed for the ad campaign.  An elegant free stroller and a picture worth a lifetime of memories: what could be better!

And don't stop at the belly - your baby's soft skin has room for hundreds of endorsements - more than enough to cover that diamond-studded Gucci diaper bag and handcrafted Versace crib with matching changing table and dresser.  You won't care when they get slimed with baby drool - or worse - if you're not paying for them.

The BBSS® is easy to use and limited only by your creativity. Start by building your own website, where you can post updates (sick again this morning!) and your ultrasound pix.  Gerber, Huggies, and Johnson & Johnson will be fighting for the chance to be your official sponsors with links on your site.

Next, invite the local TV news team into your delivery room to share your joy.  Leading distributors of educational films to schools, universities and La Maze classes are happy to pick up the tab for your hospital stay in exchange for the rights to use the film.  This also offers numerous opportunities for product placement, as you casually sip a name brand soft drink in between contractions.

The BBSS® shows you how to keep your privacy while going public.  Assuming a lack of distinctive scars, all women look the same from the waist down while giving birth.  Just keep the camera pointed where the action is.  A bonus benefit: your doctor will gladly waive his fee when his name is prominently printed on your inner thighs, displayed to an unlimited number of potential new patients.  If you pick someone straight out of med school or rebounding from a malpractice claim, he might also pay you cash to do it!

Make sure you plan ahead for the perfect moment to give birth.  The most lucrative time to deliver is 12:01 a.m. on January 1st, guaranteeing your appearance on the local news and additional chances to plug your sponsors.

It also helps to have a litter.  Have you noticed how easily mothers of multiples manage? That's because they've used this system for years.  When you have 6 or 7 or more babies at once, manufacturers of baby products enter a frenzied bidding war for the privilege of giving you lots of stuff, including buses and new homes.

An additional feature included in the BBSS® (at no extra charge!) is the packet that contains everything you need to sell the right to name your baby on eBay for the highest possible price.  Think how exciting those final minutes of the auction will be, waiting to see if your child will be Phillip Morris or Daimler Chrysler.

Later, you can dress him in a sleeper decorated with a colorful print of beer logos, and tuck him in for the night, content in the knowledge that, with the BBSS®, your financial future has been secured.

© S. Shoemaker All Rights Reserved

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Susan, a former flight instructor and air traffic controller, now spends most of her time looking for her car keys. She lives and writes in southern Wisconsin, but would much prefer to spend winters drinking and writing in the south of France. If you bothered to read this far, please contact all the publishers you know and tell them to send her money. Or you can cut out the middleperson and just send it to her directly.  Or wire it, because it isn't safe to send cash through the mail.  And ever since that incident involving the Fantasy Chippendale League, she no longer trusts the staff here at HW. Even though it was just a joke and she got her money back. Contact Susan: sbshoemakerxhappywomanmagazine.com (replace X with A before sending)

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