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A Bitter You-In Just 10 Easy Steps!

By Rondi Adamson

1. Spend a lot of time with younger people who believe in things and still have hope for the future. Mock them behind their backs and think to yourself how laughable their little dreams are. Remember the dreams you once had and how so few of them came true. For extra impact, make sure you choose especially earnest young folks to hang around with: members of religious groups and young people in love are particularly effective.

2. Dwell on things you can't change -- past rejections, criticisms, humiliations and heartbreaks. Relive every painful situation and conversation and make sure to kick yourself for not having thought of the appropriate comeback/action in each interminable scenario. As this activity is paramount to those who wish to achieve a state of utter embitterment and shrivelled-uppedness, put aside at least four nights a week for it. Weekend evening when you could be out on a date are highly recommended. (Related activity: plotting revenge).

3. Sleep with married men.

4. Compare yourself to other women in every imaginable way. Are they prettier/thinner/smarter/richer/better-dressed than you? Do their futures look brighter than yours? For extra agony, compare yourself to an old boyfriend's new bride. For extra bitterness, compare yourself to someone who isn't as pretty or smart or fashionable as you and look down on her. Think to yourself how superior you are to someone like that and wonder why God hasn't rewarded you for that superiority.

5. Hone your self-absorbedness. Assume that everything everyone else says or does is somehow related to you.

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