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What's In Store For You?

Predictions based on your body type:

Our resident expert on everything under the sun has put together a no fail guide that will help you plan your future! You're welcome!

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Thyroid (Type T)

• over-active metabolism
• usually tall with long limbs
• retain weight around the waist
• love to boast.

Type T's will find themselves seeking an outlet in June. They may wish to learn how to read or take up paint-by-numbers. Resist the temptation and get a make-over.

You will meet a man named Gerry in February over a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast, you will marry and give birth to triplets in October.

The 65 pounds that you will gain during the pregnancy will disappear by noon on November 1st and you will experience dismay in December when you misplace one of the triplets in a shopping mall.

Type T's should avoid eating anything they find in the woods and take special care with dry-cleaning bags.

Best career bet: Hand model.

Pituitary (Type P)

• smaller, younger body shape
• weight is generally distributed evenly throughout the body.
• prone to tantrums.

You will develop a taste for alcohol in July and go on a three week bender. You will be return in August feeling refreshed and happy.

You will find yourself seeking another job in September but will stop in October when you realize no one will hire you because of your penchant for baby-talk.

Rummaging around your attic you will find your grandmother's famous cookie recipe. It will call for carob. You won't know what that is and you will throw the recipe away

Type P's should be careful not to get involved in Pyramid schemes or line-dancing.

Type P's will not find love this year or the year after but they will find great enjoyment in counting.

Type P's should avoid running with a toothbrush and Contac C.

Best career bet: none.

Please Note: This is a parody of a magazine, so don't come crying to us if someone accidentally took out your liver or you starved to death on our diet. The interviews are not real and the interviewers are not real.

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