Who's Afraid
of the Big Bad Box?
By Geri Hoekzema
You know the feeling:
the cupboards are bare, the bank account's even barer, and the time you've
postponed has arrived. You must go shopping at one of those enormous big-box
discount grocery outlets because you can't afford the civilized little
Safeway on the corner. Nor can you continue feeding your kids Raman noodles
with melted peanut butter and call it Thai food.
You've got to do
it for them. But the thought of confronting huge expanses of aisles and
dodging carts pushed by bargain-crazed shoppers makes you cringe. According
to Dr. Mary Trip, Ph.D., You may be a victim of a recently discovered
disorder called Boxophobia, the fear of shopping in large warehouse-like
stores. Boxophobia has several variations:
1. The fear of
choice. If you are able to enter the store but find yourself frozen
in the soup aisle, staring at all twelve brands and muttering "I
can't decide. It's just too much," this is you.
2. The fear of
your car being t-boned by a parking lot road rager. Admittedly this
fear is not entirely unfounded since navigating a parking lot the size
of six football fields is statistically more dangerous than bungee jumping
while climbing Mt. Everest.
3. The fear of
aggressive fellow shoppers. If you're naturally shy to begin with,
this fear makes you utter things like, "Oh that's okay. It's only
my foot and the cart really isn't that heavy."
4. The fear of
the checkout process. If you can't sprout three extra arms, then loading
groceries on the conveyer belt, bagging them and writing a check simultaneously
can be intimidating.
Dr. Trip assures
us that although Boxophobia can be paralyzing, you can conquer it by following
these steps:
1. Start with
your self-image. The morning of the shopping trip, look into the mirror,
make eye contact with yourself and repeat an affirmation such as "I
am a competent and powerful shopper," "I deserve shopping success
as much as the next girl," or "The Universe is generous and
will provide me the strength I need for this endeavor."
2. Prepare.
Get a good night's sleep the night before, drink a triple espresso for
breakfast, and wear a power outfit - something that says "I mean
business. Fear me."
3. Choose a strategic
parking space, close enough to the store for easy access but far,
far away from any 1977 Pintos containing growling Rotweillers or cars
with stickers saying, "I brake for gnomes."
4. Walk into the
store with your head held high and shoulders thrown back. Push your
cart as if you're maneuvering a tank. Bluff your way through tight squeezes
and tense situations. Chances are, the other gal will back down - just
like you used to do.
5. Learn how to
assess checkout lines and bypass the ones likely to attract the shopper
who spends fifteen minutes unloading two tons of goods, meticulously counts
out change, then announces "Oh, I seem to be two dollars short. I'll
need to remove something."
If you try these
measures and find you require further assistance, log onto the official
"Box Angels" website, where you can request a highly trained
and compassionate volunteer to accompany you to the store.
©2005
Geri
Hoekzema
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geri Hoekzema is
a teacher/writer/mom/wife who spends her spare time successfully avoiding
large-scale shopping endeavors.
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