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Clean your Fridge and Save your Soul!

By Anneli Jarvel

Of all the chores facing the modern home-maker, one of the most hated is cleaning out the fridge. Cleaning out your fridge is like coming face to face with the depravity of your soul. You will find things in there which should never see the light of day. But by following these simple steps, you can turn an unpleasant chore into a spiritual retreat.

And the peace of mind which comes from a food storage system without blemish will truly pass all understanding, especially if your mother-in-law drops by.

Here's how to get started:

1. Clear enough counter space for 34 cubic feet of food and waste. It does not signify that your refrigerator measures 17 cubic feet; everything you have put in there has either grown to double its original size or procreated with libidinous abandon.

2. Prop open the garbage can lid and line it with a fresh plastic bag, checking it carefully for holes. The wet, soppy messes you are likely to encounter will require both hands and maybe even both feet to be maneuvered into the disposal bin. Once there, you want them to stay there - not make unspeakable puddles on your floor.

3. Assume the yogic squatting position before your open refrigerator. The correct position is of paramount importance, as it provides maximum reach and mobility while inviting the severest and most penitential cramps to thighs, calves, and buttocks.

4. Remove absolutely everything. Wash all walls, shelves and drawers with a solution of boiling water, chlorine bleach and ammonia. For maximum purification, do not wear rubber gloves. Do this until your cuticles melt.

5. Inventory your stock and do the following:

-Immediately dispose of anything stale-dated by more than 18 months.

-Put all leftovers in the freezer; that way you don't have to throw them out for another year.

-Anything more aromatic than your teenager's gym bag should be double wrapped and frozen before disposal. Make it the trash collector's problem.

-Throw out any cottage cheese, no matter how fresh - you will never eat it, trust me.

6. Even the most exacting gourmand needs no more than five varieties of mustard at any one time, so amalgamate your condiments. This is a marvelous opportunity to satisfy your primitive need for creative play, while practising space management and meal preparation techniques. The basic principle is that anything which is ultimately consumed together can be mixed in advance. Here are a few suggested combinations - by all means experiment and come up with your own signature blends.

-anything with any other thing in the same colour family: for example, ketchup with pasta sauce; cranberry sauce with pickled beets; apricot jam with Grey's Poupon, etc. Avoid mixing reds and greens, as the result will be auniformly unappealing brown;

-any two, three, or more things of the same ethnicity: for example, make instant Greek salad in a jar by combining feta cheese, olives and bottled salad dressing. Mix in anchovies, salsa, H.P. sauce or any other thing you need to get rid of but can't bring yourself to throw away. Just add lettuce and enjoy. Incidentally, you can also spread it on stale bread and call it pizza in a jar. Great fun for the kids!

-anything which may be eaten during the same meal: for example, combine yogurt with jam, honey, meusli or stale English muffins. Add Tang crystals or instant coffee, and Presto! Instant breakfast better than Ultra Slimfast.

If you have followed these simple directions, you have now reduced your total stock of frigerables by at least 50% and slashed the putrefaction factor as well. You will be able to gaze into your well ordered refrigerator with a clear conscience and a quiet heart. If you find yourself falling short of this euphoric state, you have cheated and your atonement is incomplete. The only thing to do is tackle the freezer.

© 2003 Anneli Jarvel

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Anneli Jarvel is a technical writer and proofreader with a genetic predisposition to wide hips, overstocked pantries, and offering gratuitous advice. She fails to practice what she preaches in a chaotic household of assorted dogs, cats and people.

Contact Anneli