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How to Prevent Your Double Date from Becoming
a Double Cross!
Millions of couples just love to double
date. For many of them it means keeping in touch with their closest
friends, sharing the experience of a leisure outing, and pretending
to have forgotten their checkbooks when the bill comes.
But what if the female of the couple
you date with starts to display more than just a friendly interest
in your man? She laughs and laughs at even his worst jokes, and
brushes up against him a little too often. His bald spot is "just
darling!" and his mismatched socks are "a mark of genius!"
To be sure, these are signs of trouble
in your double-dating paradise, a potential disaster that you need
to nip in the bud. We confidently recommend all of the following
interventions, and wish you the best of luck in derailing the double
date double cross!
Redirecting Lust
Your double-date girlfriend is your
friend for a reason. She didn't start out this slutty, so perhaps
she's just lost her way. She may simply require a gentle push in
the direction of her own mate's attractive qualities to shake her
out of her misguided flirtations.
On your next double date, tastefully
compliment your friend's man. Such pleasant, non-threatening attentions
will allow your friend see her mate in a new light. Here are just
a few examples -- try your own variations!
"Larry, you're looking so dapper
tonight in that tweed jacket!"
"Why, Mark, those new eyeglasses
make you look like a young Michael Caine!"
"Bill, I've never noticed how shiny
your hair is -- oops, I just couldn't resist running my hands through
it, could I!"
"My, Joe, how slim yet ripped you
look in that tight blue shirt, which I must say really enhances
the color of your bedroom eyes."
"Is it getting a little warm in
here, Ed, or are you just too hot for one woman?"
And so on.
The Shocking Bracelet
If the appreciation of your girlfriend's
mate doesn't quite do the trick, you may need to try a slightly
more clinical approach.
On your next double date, surprise your
friend with a lovely bracelet, which, unbeknownst to her, you have
purchased from the Behavioral Adjustment Jewelry Emporium (39 locations
throughout the United States and Canada).
She will naturally don the bracelet
for the evening to show her appreciation. And you, with the wireless
shocker hidden in your hand, will run a nice little electric current
through it every time your friend gets a little too chummy with
your man.
Bracelets at the Emporium can be yours
for as little as $29.95, and are guaranteed to adjust unwanted behavior,
or your money back!
Your Man Gets Ugly
No, we don't want your sweetie to morph
into a brute! Aside from a few harmless electric shocks, we would
never endorse violence!
What we DO endorse, should the previous
methods fall a little short of the mark, is to make your man so
unappealing that no woman in her right mind would consider going
after him. It's just a temporary measure, and only one dose of a
man gone ugly is highly effective!
Your mate must begin preparations three
days in advance of your next double date. For those three days he
is not to bathe, shave, or brush his teeth. If you have a guest
room, you may want him to kennel there for the duration, and have
the room fumigated later. For added effect, stuff the clothes he'll
be wearing on your double date into a small cupboard so that they
wrinkle nicely.
Then rendezvous at your usual restaurant,
and act none the wiser! While your dating couple is distracted in
slack-jawed horror at the sight of your scruffy little stinker,
you'll be slipping a fifty to the host and discreetly explaining
your situation.
Smile graciously as the staff sets up
a card table for the four of you in the back of the kitchen near
the dumpster. Remember: your charm and bribery ensure prime seating
when you return to this favorite eatery in future with your hosed-down
honey!
Oh, and if your friend happens to be
wearing that bracelet you gave her, why not send her a fun little
sizzle every now and then throughout dinner? Her memories of the
evening will burn for a lifetime!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her
work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that
Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping
trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
©
2006 Kate Heidel
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BY KATE HEIDEL
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