HAPPY WOMAN MAGAZINE - A PARODY OF WOMEN'S MAGAZINES

Mixing It Up: Decoding Personality Through Drink

By Rebecca Ash

Ever wonder why sometimes you feel like a Nutty Monk and sometimes you don't? A person's choice of beverage in a bar can actually speak leagues about their character and mood. While your favorite "mixologists" tending you may not have a PhD in psychology (although he or she just might!), they are often viewed as a friendly neighborhood Freud. People are often compelled to share their troubles, dreams, and theories with their bartender and look to him or her for sympathy or solutions. As a former long-time bartender I will now share with you some of our secrets in deciphering an individual's personality.

Beer: This person is a relaxed, easy going individual. Usually low maintenance, whether by nature or by situation. Quite often, they are middle to lower-middle class and may be concerned with the price of their tab. Do not be fooled by a group of young professionals who order beer in pitchers on Thursday night happy hours. They may be decked out in suits, but are well versed in living within their means. The type of beer is also very important.

Draft or Tap: This person is a risk taker, or a thrill seeker. They will indulge in bar snacks freely and a spotty mug or pint neither alarms nor concerns them. May be disorganized or slovenly. Most usually eager to engage in conversation whether with their bartender or any other barfly. Usually escaping the iron fist of a significant other at home.
Bottle: While they are low key, they are harbouring some control issues. If they drink from the bottle, they could have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and fear germs. Note how they arrange their belongings or other items on the bar. If they ask for a glass, they are more relaxed yet concerned about quality. Note if they peel the label off of said bottle. This is a clear indication that they have issues they need to work out and are preoccupied.
Lite Beer: While they enjoy the freedom that comes with beer, they are also concerned about physical appearances. Most notably ordered by a woman who is trying to be "one of the guys" without the unsightly beer belly. She is emitting a casual, yet not sloppy aura.
Domestic: This person has great pride in his or her country. Usually wears all-American brands and drives a Ford. Takes comfort in familiarity. May or may not enjoy a crew cut.
Foreign: This person enjoys adventure and appreciates unusual cultures. Usually knows more about beer and brewing than the average barfly. Likes to impress others with their vast knowledge of either trivia or hops. May ask to view Jeopardy! if the television hasn't been claimed by sports fanatics.
Black & Tan: This person wants the best of both worlds. May have difficulty making decisions.
Guinness or stouts: A hard-core beer enthusiast, this person is no-nonsense and no-frills. May brag of direct Irish descent. *Not to be confused with Killian drinkers, who are Irish-wannabes.

Wines: This person enjoys the finer things in life and luxury. They are concerned with appearances and status. They are usually in the upper-middle to lower-upper class, depending on how they scrutinize the wine list. Usually knows the "The Five S's" of wine consumption (swirl, sniff, sip, swish, spit OR swallow) and will delight in making a show of it. They are in no hurry and usually relaxed people.

Red: Enjoy a full life. They are cultured and sophisticated and want you to recognize this.
White: While still sophisticated, they are less obvious about it. Not as likely to flaunt their status.
Rose or White Zinfandel: These people aspire to culture and refinement, but have not yet discerned how to achieve this. With hope, in five years they will look back on their consumption of rose and cringe in embarrassment.

Fruity Mixed Drinks: These people enjoy fun and frivolity. They are social drinkers, often looking to mask the strong taste of liquor. Sweet temperaments request sweet drinks. Warning! Too many of these beverages will turn even the most docile customer into a raging mess, which means they may have rage issues. Often ask for extra fruit to make up for the fact that they skipped dinner so as not to consume too many calories while drinking.

Martinis: These are trendy individuals who are always up to date on the latest fashion. They may not like gin but they will be seen wielding the flashy glass.

Dry: These customers are usually seeking security and balk at diversity. May not appreciate/understand humor.
Dirty: These people often harbour a raucous personality. They may be hiding a wild side for fear of propriety.
Shaken: May have a cold personality, as reflected in the miniscule bits of ice floating in their drink. Could be wishy-washy.
Stirred: Very high maintenance and pampered.

Shots or Shooters: These hard-core party types are not concerned about appearances. Most likely looking to "hook up" for the evening without having to commit.

"Stump The Bartender" Drinks: These clowns are looking to shame their bartender for their lack of knowledge. Most usually don't know what's in it, or have invented the drink themselves. They may also be looking for their "signature" drink in order to prove their uniqueness and convey an air or worldliness. Many times will include ingredients such as pomegranate seeds, coriander, butter pecan liquor, some form of nectar, or yak milk.

Scotch: Usually upper class or climbing the corporate ladder. Enjoy being viewed as "old school" or fraternal.

Neat: Have fully embraced this status symbol and the taste of scotch. May have tepid personalities.
On the rocks: Still reaching for the top rung and getting accustomed to the taste they must acquire. Usually younger in years yet fogies in spirit.

Frozen Drinks: These people long for a laid back, tropical setting. Looking to really relax and not be serious. Not concerned for others if seen ordering during Happy Hour. Brain freeze usually doesn't affect them for the obvious reasons.

Hot Alcoholic Beverages: Looking for a "nightcap". Will not stay long enough for you to fully ascertain their personality.

Jagermeister, Blackhaus or Tequila: These people are looking to forget their troubles and lose themselves in an alcoholic haze. Usually only aspire to black out. May have recently lost their job or a dare. Usually bitter.

Soft Drinks: These people are responsible. They are either caring for another's welfare or their own, having seen the bottom of too many toilets or gutters up close. Usually quick to learn a lesson and smart, with nothing to hide.

While the drink may give you an idea of an underlying personality or lifestyle, the most important things to look for is how much they consume in one sitting and how they are affected by a few spirits. The more a person consumes, the deeper their troubles may be. However, it is essential to remember that a person's generosity is not directly related to a person's beverage choice. Only by monitoring their gratuity will you be able to ascertain their generosity. Through observing these clues you will be able to assess everything you need to know about someone or even yourself. Bottom's up!