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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Earth-Friendly Pedicures in the Comfort of Your Kitchen!

By ChristianaTosatto

If you become faint from the scent of toxic nail salon chemicals or worry about their effect on global warming, it's time for a newer, greener pedicure plan. Fresh, sandal-worthy tootsies can be accomplished at home using wholesome time-tested natural products from your kitchen. Recycled kitchen implements make dandy pedicure tools, adding yet another level of social responsibility by keeping tons of used emery boards and rubber toe spacers out of our nation's landfills.

It's easy, that's the convenient truth. Start by making yourself a serious, whoop-ass margarita. Gather a rubber spatula, vegetable peeler, box grater, lemon zester, kitchen shears, sauce pan, candy thermometer, and pastry brush. Sanitize all utensils in tequila. Arrange on a sterile dishcloth.

Blissfully soak tired feet in two liters of Yoo-hoo chocolate drink. The natural enzymes will penetrate tough skin until it becomes pliable and soft.

Take a healthy swig of margarita and bite down on the rubber portion of the spatula. Using the vegetable peeler, remove stubborn calluses with a steady outward motion, taking care not to remove toes. Pay extra attention to the heel area. Staunch bleeding by applying firm pressure. Gently smooth any remaining roughness with the box grater. Apply more pressure. With a paring motion, use the lemon zester to remove jagged cuticles, again leaving toes intact. Trim toenails to an attractive shape with kitchen shears.

Once bleeding has stopped completely, hobble to the stove to make some quick, homemade nail enamel. Melt a quarter pound of red-hot cinnamon candy and thin with a tablespoon of corn syrup. Tint to desired shade using food coloring (we just love red #473!). Bring to a boil and cook until it reaches the "soft crack stage" or the candy thermometer reads 270 degrees. Apply to toenails with the pastry brush, carefully avoiding blistering the surrounding skin.

Once your nails have hardened to perfection, slather feet in cool non-dairy whipped topping, known since ancient times to have powerful antibiotic properties and to promote healing. Bandage firmly in cheesecloth.

In ten to fourteen days, fresh new skin will have formed. You'll have done your part to save the polar ice caps and your pedicure will be the talk of the community pool!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Christiana is a freelance writer and burned out mother of four preteen children in various stages of puberty. Her work has appeared in Delaware Beach Life and is pending publication in Christian Science Monitor and Byline magazine. She can be reached at ctosatto@yahoo.com.