The FAQS of Life

The Definitive Guide to Raising Your Children from Birth to Adolescence

by Crystal Click

The trouble with raising children is they don't come with instructions. The following is a quick reference to help solve you most difficult parenting challenges in one paragraph or less. (Because who has time to waste on kid stuff.)

1. I am so excited, we just found out we are having our first child! How can I best prepare for this new responsibility?

After a quick trip to the tent and awning for your new wardrobe, I would suggest obtaining a membership to a wholesale food warehouse. In the words of the famous Hawaiian Miss Universe, you will "eat everything in the whole world...Twice".

2. How can I teach my baby to sleep through the night?

This problem can commonly be attributed to allergies. When your child wakes during the night, wait for 20 or 30 minutes to see if the crying subsides. If she continues, bring her into a well lit room and check for nasal or eye drainage. Any visible moisture on the child's face is an obvious sign of allergies. A heavy dosing of Benadryl each night for the next 12 or 13 years should alleviate the symptoms.

3. How can I make my child eat Brussels spouts?

Egads, how can YOU eat Brussels sprouts?

4. When should I potty train my child?

I would say not before 3 or 4 years old. Before then they don't understand the potential harm in swallowing cleansers and disinfectants. If you are insistent on early training, perhaps swabbing out the potty with them the first time or two would be better than the old "learn by doing" method.

5. I am having trouble finding a reliable babysitter, do you have any helpful hints?

My dear, do you have a closet with a lock? Then all you will need is a simple bottle of water and cup of Cheerios for the very young, maybe peanut butter and jelly for older children. Please remember, safety is your foremost concern so please remove all plastic bags and cover any outlets with safety plugs.

6. My kids won't listen to me. How can I get them to do what I ask?

HOW ARE YOU ASKING THEM? ARE YOU YELLING? If the neighbors can't hear you across the alley, then your average eight year old won't be able to hear you across the table. Calm voices only confuse children. If you speak below a certain decibel, they can't discern between you and the television.

7. My son asked me about the birds and the bees yesterday, what do I tell him?

Obviously the lad is spending way too much time outdoors. Five minutes in front of a computer, television or video game should give him more than enough information.

8. My 10 year old daughter doesn't have any friends. She tells me the neighborhood kids all make fun of her. I don't understand this because she has a wonderful personality, what can I do?

Your daughter is mostly likely suffering from a self-image problem. She sounds very self-absorbed. I would call a group meeting of all the neighborhood children, sort of an open forum format. Put her in the middle and have the other children tell her what is wrong with her and why they don't like her. Then she can learn to focus on their needs and pleasing them.

9. My son is acting up at school, how do I get to the bottom of things?

First of all, the fact that you are aware of his misbehavior tells me that you are way too available. If you work an extra hour or two in the evening, disconnect your cell phone and give the school a false address you won't have to worry about your son at all. Then your school officials will be able to raise him as they see fit.

10. What is a good age for my teenager to start dating?

What is a good age for you to start being a grandparent?

For autograph requests or donations to the charity of Crystal Click's choice (which she lovingly refers to as "the telephone bill") email clickherexhappywomanmagazine.com. (Replace x with @ before sending)

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The FAQS of Life

The Definitive Guide to Raising Your Children from Birth to Adolescence

by Crystal Click