EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Fashion Outrage!

The new line from Goobana and Dulce has the world of fashion reeling.


Insider's Describe the Show

"It was a horrible experience. These women with their creased ancient faces and obscene bodies walked down the runway with huge smiles pasted to their faces. There were hip and breasts and stomach bulges all over the place! It was an assault!

"I admire the model's courage--they could have been shot, but all the same they should be ashamed for participating. I would say that these women would never work in this business again but since they are so gruesome it's unlikely they would anyway."

"Freaks," moaned fashion photographer Frances Scurvion." Freaks. I'm trying to blot it out, but one image stays with me. One, for lack of a better word woman actually wore glasses!! Not chic fashion eyewear but reading glasses. I'm going to have nightmares. If I wanted to see this kind of filth I would have gone to Disneyland."

Women's Magazine Publisher's are divided.

We contacted Yves Toran-DeGauche owner of the Condor Nest publishing empire. Toran De-Gauche laughed off this latest craze while sucking deeply on a Gauloise.

"I am not the least bit frightened. Can you honestly see a woman picking up a magazine that doesn't contain an article with tips for self improvement? It's ingrained. Our purpose is not to reflect the average woman we are to direct the average women. What are we supposed to do —concentrate on the mind?"

Toran-DeGauche took a few moments to compose himself while wiping away tears of mirth. "If women were interested in that we would have went out of business a long time ago. It's ridiculous."

Another source was not quite so confident. "We have staff experienced in eyebrows, weight loss and beauty. What in the world are we supposed to write about? How to stay the same weight? You Look Fine Just The Way You Are?, Read a book? Where do you get people who'll write crap like that? And since normal doesn't sell anything we won't have any ads!"

The source took a sip from a hip flask and continued bravely:

"We're not out of ideas yet. There is still the health card we can play. Woman fear sickness almost as much as age so we're confident that we can pull in a few doctors to bring the train back. All we need is an article about how unhealthy it is to be short and old and bingo, we're back where we started."

Cosmetic Giant Predicts Love Canal Scenario

"What are they trying to do to us?" cried a visibly shaken Michael Johnson, owner of Le Cochon Argent the largest cosmetic house in the world

"What the hell are we supposed to do with warehouses filled with anti-age serum and lip liner? Aren't these people worried about the environment? If we have to dump this crap until we find something else that women need, the soil will be affected for generations. Love Canal all over again."

Fashion Industry Critic Applauds Goobana & Dulce

Simone De Beaujolais a critic of the fashion industry and all around troublemaker was contacted at her home.

"This is wonderful. I could have cheered when I saw these women walk down the runway. Sassy, smart, normal women. A little tummy bulge here a little acne there. This is a day for rejoicing! Goobana and Dulce are to be applauded."

When told about De Beaujolais' comments Yves Toran-Degauche dismissed her briskly. "She looks like a man."

It is yet to be seen whether this line will be able to cross international borders. Experts try to calm fears by stating that women crave beauty. A woman cannot be convinced to buy the ridiculous, the unappealing.

Simone De Beaujolais counters with one phrase.

"Platform shoes."

©2000-2001Sharon Grehan

Please Note: This is a parody of a magazine, so don't come crying to us if someone accidentally took out your liver or you starved to death on our diet. The interviews are not real and the interviewers are not real.

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Photo courtesy of Damon Hart Davis