EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Giddy Over Girdles

By Jessica Becht

The Mallomar and cigarette diet has forsaken you, just like all the others, leaving you as paunchy, cellulite-pocked, and bloated as at the launch of your latest regime. You seethe bitterly. The women of your grandmother's generation maintained lithe figures despite gorging on butter pats, hollandaise sauce, and quivering coconut cream pies set in tender lard crusts. Did they have a secret? Indeed they did. It was called a "girdle".

Perhaps the name of this special item rings familiar? It's time to yank one on, tubby. Yes, you. However, before investing in the industrial-strength corsetry you will surely require, you may want to study up on constricting undergarments. You will likely need an assortment of girdles to address varied figure flaws, from thunder thighs to a waistline of dimensions more usual to livestock.

You must first analyze your form before a full length three-way mirror. Sway to the soothing hum of fluorescent lighting as you ponder your defects. Friends and family members will enjoy taking helpful notes. Do love handles, a protuberant gut, swollen behind, or corpulent thighs mar your sylphlike potential? Perhaps all of the above? Let a light-hearted debate determine which of your figure flaws is most repellent. Resolve to disguise your failings with the proper undergarment.

For the woman with billows of stomach fat, a waist cincher is a smart choice. Rigid corsetry can reduce a waistline by up to four inches. There is one caveat, however. That excess of adipose must go somewhere, and is apt to find your hips most obliging. You can disguise these unusual proportions with clever fashion choices. A fitted dirndl skirt is a first-rate option. Though you may long to flaunt your new waistline in a sassy cropped tee, remember that an exposed girdle will spoil the illusion. Geriatric foundation garments lack the playful sex appeal of thong and bra straps.

If an epic rear end is your primary blemish, select a girdle that will shift some of that lumpish flesh to your abdomen. You may then highlight your newly android hips in an uber-fitted pencil skirt. Because significant displacement will occur, a loose tunic is a must. Elude all embraces while clad in this costume, lest the burgeoning contours of your waistline place you under suspicion of having shoplifted several packages of jumbo marshmallows.

Those of colossal thigh girth will hail a long-line undergarment with the vigor to compress their cellulite-riddled limbs, allowing a lissome silhouette in spandex pants. Yet, how to obfuscate the inevitable above-the-knee bulges? You might take advantage of a retro fashion trend and conceal these bizarre protuberances with chunky legwarmers.

Strive not to show the strain in your face while trussed in the asphyxiating undergarment that is right for you. Aim for a relaxed expression and an easygoing, if breathless, simper.

Acquaintances will surely pry about the willowy new outlines of your once sinewless figure, pumping you for diet tips amidst sly inquiries about wasting diseases. Never admit to needing reinforcements. Instead, concoct some malicious nonsense about skunk cabbage and vitamin loaf. In fact, watching your friends try to down these delicacies might help you smirk your way to a trimmer figure.

©2005 Jessica Becht






Jessica Becht is currently sweltering in the state of Florida, where she has become quite intimate with election fiascos, hurricanes, and fire ants. When not shielding her alabaster complexion from the sun's brutal rays, she can be found strolling her baby about the neighborhood while silently mocking pink flamingo enthusiasts.