Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Financial gains can be made this month if you are willing to rob a bank, embezzle funds from the Pension Fund you're in charge of, or mug a businessman. Think like a winner and maybe you can find out where they all go for dinner. You are a real lady so don't put your fingers in your mouth unless you absolutely can't find a toothpick.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
Make sure you have adequate home insurance because an amazing thing is going to happen to your ceiling in May. Although the lady who does your fingernails said she really likes that color on you, she was just saying that to be nice. The name "Muddy River" should have been a clue.

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)
Keep your mouth closed and your eyes open, particularly when you are reading. Comprehension will be greatly improved and you'll look a lot less silly. You might not want to attend your aerobics class again until you wash your tank top. Really. It's getting ridiculous.

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
A close friend will get a haircut the likes of which you have never seen outside of the alien bar in "Star Wars". When she asks you what you think, saying "My God, who did this to you??" and "I'm sure it will grow back," will not bring you closer.

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) You can get relief with regard to a lingering health problem if you are willing to stop eating all the things you like, start going to bed early, and make sure you avoid situations that are over-stimulating. Of course, you'll forfeit all your friends, but that's the price you pay for becoming such a bore.

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Compare your life to someone less fortunate to cheer yourself up. Perhaps you can actually cause another's misfortune if it will make you feel better. An electric eyebrow tweezer can bring you much pleasure today.

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Your sign suffers major lay-offs this month. Look into joining another astrological constellation, one with a more reasonable board of directors. DEMETER the condom bearer has many openings, though horoscopes will be lousy through June.

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)
Your partner's demands might seem excessive to you. Try to compromise on the handcuffs but don't feel bad saying no to the Epilady. All men seem to have one thing on their minds this month, as well as next, and all we can say is: you'd better get used to it.

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
You haven't felt yourself this month. Well go ahead and do so, but please wait until you're in the privacy of your own home. If you continue to feel poorly, see if you can get someone you know to feel you better. Drummers, jazz musicians and Documentary filmmakers come in handy now.

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)
A favorite principle of evolution reverses itself on your way to work this morning when your thumbs refuse to be opposable digits and insist on doing what all the other fingers are doing. This makes carrying your purse more difficult, but the pockets on your Chanel suit become a breeze.

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
Try to widen your circle of friends. If possible, make it a hexagon or a trapezoid, or ideally, some kind of rhomboid derivative. Stay away from oblique angles and all they imply. If you are taking Zoloft, you really ought to ratchet up the dosage a bit... really.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)
Think for yourself this week and next. Later this month however, get a few friends together and think for George W. Bush. Microwave popcorn is a risky proposition for someone with your bone structure and molecular background.

New star Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
You hear that French Fries and virtually everything else that are "the only things you cheat with" on your diet, now cause cancer. You decide to go back to school to get a degree in chemistry so that you might come up with a cure, since quitting cigarettes is one thing, but French Fries? No way.