PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Past Horoscopes: |OCTOBER| SEPTEMBER |AUGUST | JULY | JUNE | MAY | APRIL | MARCH | JANUARY|


ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Sleep problems have plagued you the last few weeks, as either you can't fall asleep or wake up at 4am and then wait for daybreak. It could be a guilty conscience, or a childhood memory that's come back to haunt you. Perhaps it is a mission left undone or the beginnings of an inspiration. On the other hand it could just be the two espressos in the morning, the Mountain Dew at lunch and the five Diet Cokes interspersed throughout the day. The moon aligns with your internist to suggest you cut back on the caffeine.


JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
You have a secret crush that you can reveal to no one until after the 22nd when his divorce is final. Until then, make sure you keep it quiet. And by that we mean cut out the trips to the teacher's lounge where you actually lock the door so if I want to get my cigarettes I have to, like, pound on the wooden part until one of you gets your pants on and lets me in. And hello, reminder, the bathroom stalls don't go all the way to the floor! The whole universe can see your legs! Skip the PTA meeting on the 19th.


APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

The planets are converging for you this month in an arc that inspires the creative side of you to sit down and start that novel you've been plotting all these years. The Aurora Borealis flickers and snaps in your subconscious and your imagery starts to flow onto the page like milk from a carton that's been mysteriously opened on both ends. In fact, later this month milk from a carton that's been mysteriously opened at both ends will actually flow onto your novel, inspiring an angry confrontation with your partner who insists he doesn't touch the 2%. Stick with the screw top bottles until the end of the year.


DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)


The 5th, 9th and 14th will be hard days for you so make sure you are fortified with a hearty breakfast and running shoes with thick soles. Why you ask? Well, the Sun and Mercury think you should start exercising and lose that spare tire, and you don't want to disappoint the Sun and Mercury, right? Remember the last time that happened? The stomach cramps on the plane? Wouldn't want to relive that little scenario, right? The stars suggest you start waking up earlier, like 4am, and get a few workouts in before the 5th.


DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

Saturn and his old nemesis Pluto are still arguing over whose turn it is to guide your cusp. The fact of the matter is Pluto used it last and since he's been out of the picture, no one can find it. They've enlisted all the orbiting planets to help in the search but until they find it, you're cusp-less. This means you should avoid raves, long bike rides and all contact sports until your cusp is found or they get a loaner from another sign.


VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)


You're redecorating and things are coming together nicely. The wallpaper in the kitchen matches the stainless steel appliances and the new Miele dishwasher fits perfectly into that cubbyhole you built under the microwave. The porcelain knobs on the faucets look great against the white marble backsplash and the farm tub sink is just deep enough for… oh, wait a minute, this horoscope is for Diana. Sorry Vesta, it looks like the stars got their wires crossed somewhere over Akron, and for now all we can say is your garage door will be stuck in the up position through most of next week.


PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars you have an overwhelming desire to hear the original cast recording of Hair. You might be willing to listen to a CD of The Fifth Dimension, but truly what it is you're hankering for is a piece of your past: your old record player. Where is that thing? The 3rd through the 17th you'll spend endless hours searching for it in your basement and attic, your parents' basement and attic, and the basements and attics of your friends. On or about the 26th, Jupiter and Mars will remind you that you sold it at a yard sale in 1992.


LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

You feel as unstable as Lindsey Lohan behind the wheel of an SUV with a sort of unfocused anxiety you can't put a finger on. It manifests itself physically in a sore neck, an aching lower back or perhaps an eye twitch that makes you look like an axe-wielding psycho-killer. Take a moment for yourself - lie down, breathe deeply and try to figure out where this anxiousness stems from. Could it be fact that you're never going to get married? Your uneven breasts? The VISA bill that is so over the limit you didn't even know it could go that high? The likely invasion of Iran and re-invasion of Afghanistan? Jupiter suggests that if you pile enough blankets on your head, maybe it will all go away or at least you can get out of doing the dishes tonight.


ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

All that baggage from your past needs to be unpacked and put away before your birthday party. You don't want anyone stepping on the bad summer fling break-ups or tripping over the humiliating summer camp "capture the flag" losses. At the very least, hang up the chronic fight with your brother over who always got to sit in the front seat.


PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

It's time to call in all the loans you've shelled out the last few years: the dictionary you loaned to your ex-roommate; the pliers your next-door neighbors borrowed and never returned; the salad spinner you brought to the last potluck and never got back. Use the leverage you've gained on these small loans to start a suburban dynasty, like The Godfather only with hairnets and fuzzy slippers.


PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

This month is the perfect time to review your financial portfolio and get rid of all the dogs that are holding you back. The money in the tin box under your mattress would do better in a wooden box in the linen closet. And all the change in that big wine bottle on the breakfront should go straight into a flowery porcelain piggy bank in your kid's closet. If it's dividends you're after, head to the couch cushions where money seems to materialize like magic. The 19th brings a decent return when you find a $5 dollar bill in your old ski jacket pocket.


PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

This month Venus decides to leave you alone and suddenly things start going your way. On the 9th you get a long-overdue apology from your sister who left a pair of your shoes at the local Bowl-a-Rama. On the 14th, your mechanic tells you he's not going to have to overhaul your transmission but must simply remove a plush toy he found stuck in the cam shaft, and on the 23rd your doctor tells you you're 6 pounds underweight and please start having a milkshake every day until you're back to normal. Enjoy yourself now because Venus will be back on the 30th.

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

You feel everyone is taking advantage of you: your time, your good nature, your home and your money. Stand up for yourself and say "No". Say no to the friend who never has his wallet when you go out to eat, your boss who asks you to work late to "get us back on track" and the lady who cut in front of you in line at Starbucks. Say no to the guy that sweats on the Stairmaster and doesn't wipe it off, the saleslady who went to look for your size and never came back and the guy with the gun at the bank who wants everyone to "hand over your money" or "I'll put a hole in you". Isn't your self-esteem worth a bullet?

 

©2006 Deb Victoroff

Past Horoscopes: SEPTEMBER |AUGUST | JULY | JUNE | MAY | APRIL | MARCH | JANUARY|

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her plays have been performed around the country and her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival".

She honed her humor skills on "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.