ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

This month people inexplicably start spelling the name Tiffany with an "i" at the end. You witness other incidents wherein Laurie is spelled Lory, David is spelled Davyd and girl is spelled grrrl. By the 30th expect to see all the vowels to have left for Hawaii where they're appreciated. It might be a good idea to start hoarding them now for the future.

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

The beginning of this month brings an angry stare from the cat, who you suspect resents the fact that the dog has a bigger water bowl. Just to be on the safe side, don't turn your back on that thing, and it might be a good idea to wear a helmet when you change the litter box. Kitty goes back to normal after the 23rd although your couch arms will look like shredded wheat.

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

'The planets are thrown off their orbits by the elimination of Pluto from the first string. For other signs this is a crisis but for you it only means that laundry day will be a nightmare. Someone will leave a red sock in your load of whites, a favorite pair of underwear will fall into that dark and scary crevasse behind your washing machine, and fitted sheets will be virtually impossible to fold. You're going to have to use one of those stain sticks on everything until the 23rd.

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

An opportunity to go to a show arises this week when a friend gets fourth row center seats and invites you along. Your night is free, you're in the mood, and this is a favorite pal. Unfortunately the show is the Kentucky Klezmer Kats and there are only 7 rows in the auditorium. Don't be such a snob, what were you expecting, the Stones?

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

The 14th through the 23rd brings great happiness when your boss leaves on a business trip. You more than anyone know about her thing with paperclips and now's your opportunity to take advantage. A powerful magnet duct-taped under her desktop will bring much pleasure to you and your co-workers. The tech support guy has got his eye on you, although it's hard to tell through those glasses of his.

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

It's that time of year again, one that you can no longer deny or put off. Your good friends will go along with the "I'm turning 35!" bit, but even your doorman wonders why someone so young needs a walker. Pluto was going to do all the talking but now Pluto's out of the picture and you're on your own. Just hope Venus doesn't get involved - that planet cannot keep a straight face.

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

Things seemed to be going along so well when all of a sudden, the economy tanks and they decide to downsize the Universe. The first one to go is the last hired - that's you Pluto. What a drag for those whose sign is influenced by what used to be a planet but is now just a two-bit lump of ice. A letter-writing campaign to P. Diddy might help.

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

A six-pack of Diet Coke becomes an imminent threat to your health when a can slips out if its plastic loop and onto your bare foot. This is a direct result of Jupiter's relationship with Pluto which was a big secret until last month, but now the whole universe has heard about it, and if you don't think that has something to do with Pluto's firing, you are just naïve. Since Jupiter influences your sign, it might be best to watch your step, especially around the 17th, which was their anniversary. Shoes and socks are essential, at least until the 25th.

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

The very first of the month brings a near disaster on the email front, after you hit "reply all" when you meant to hit "reply". As a direct result of this unfortunate keystroke, you will get emails from people who sympathize with your inability to get along with your roommate but who wish you would keep all that personal stuff to yourself. The best advice comes from your roommate who was of course, on the "reply all" list, who warns that you have to go to sleep sometime.

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

You met someone on vacation and he's all you can think about lately. He was handsome and charming and had that Italian thing with the cigarettes and the accent, and you wonder why you bothered to come home. Especially since you owe someone money and they are really anxious to be paid back. Perhaps this is a good month to take advantage of your Italian connection, particularly if he's in the Mafia.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

It's an interplanetary love fest when Saturn and Uranus get together to assure you a great credit score. Now's the time to plunge ahead on that purchase, with a low-interest, buy-now, pay-later mortgage from the Bank of Incredulity. You might as well buy the boat, the flat screen TV and a Segway while you're at it, because five years from now, the bank's going to own it all anyway.

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

The stars are saying take time to smell the flowers, but you saw what happened to Pluto when he took time off. He comes back - no job! This means for you and for all those people on the cusp of anything pending, that you must take the plunge. This applies to your love life as well as your job and includes whatever large pet you were thinking of buying. The only plunging you should avoid is off a bridge or into an empty swimming pool, but these things should be self-evident.