EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Your Guys Most Secret Thoughts!


What is he really thinking when you are together? We asked four men to give us a boo into their brains:

© Sharon Grehan-Howes



When we go furniture shopping, I think of the couch I would design if I had the time. It would be big and soft, long enough to stretch out on without my feet hanging over the edge. It would have a beverage holder and a remote built into the arm. If I put it on wheels I could rig up some kind of pulley so that I could wheel my way over to the bathroom or the kitchen.

I'd have a phone installed and the fabric would be soft but coated with a material that would make stains slip off it. Like silicone or Teflon. I wonder if I had a Teflon suit if I would keep slipping off seats or do they have a bit of a tread.

When the salesman starts talking I usually wonder how much a job like that pays and how much commission he is getting. While she's talking to him about material and sage green I wonder what ever happened to corduroy and what is a sage. I find myself thinking about Kung Fu and wondering if I could take David Carradine in a fight now that he's an alcoholic. I think of how cool it would be just traveling from town to town and then I wonder whatever happened to hobos who used to ride the rails. I think about how I'd get a dog if I was a hobo.

They start talking about flame retardants I wonder how long it would take the place to burn up if there was ever a fire and then I wonder about how much insurance they must pay.


Whenever my wife and I have "a talk" my first reaction is to run through the week and find out what I did wrong.

When I have it narrowed down to three she usually finds something that I didn't even think of. While she tells me about how I embarrassed, humiliated or hurt her I try to figure out ways of fixing it.

When she rejects all my suggestions I try figure out how she expects to sort things out when she won't let me fix anything so I end up just nodding a lot and wondering how big a thing this is on a scale of one to ten.

I notice that when she is in earnest her head goes up and down a lot like the dog we used to have in our 72 Chevy. I wonder what happened to that dog and try to remember if it had eyes that worked like brake lights or if they were just glass. Then I try to remember if we got the Country Squire right after the Chevy and then I wonder why they put fake wood paneling on it. I think of all the seating the Country Squire had with the jump seat and I try to figure out how many of my friends could fit in it now.

©2000-2001Sharon Grehan

Please Note: This is a parody of a magazine, so don't come crying to us if someone accidentally took out your liver or you starved to death on our diet. The interviews are not real and the interviewers are not real.

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