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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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The Evolution of Homo Gurlis:*

A phenomenal new study of the Barbae Plasticae.

Conducted by Dr. Qinyun Wang, M.D., Ph.D., G.U.R.L

The theory of evolution stipulates that the first human-like creatures, the hominids, evolved from the primordial apes approximately four million years ago. The hominids, classified by the genus Homo, eventually gave way to the more modern Homo Sapiens, a species characterized by large brain mass and comparatively erect posture.

In an astounding event thousands of years in the making, the Homo Sapiens diverged into two subspecies, the Homunculus and Homo Gurlis. Members of the latter group of organisms, known as gurls, women, or females (the terms have been confirmed to be interchangeable), possessed advantageous traits that anthropologists today fondly call savvy and know-how.

Qualities such as these have aided women in making wise decisions century after century, millennium after millennium: the ancient Egyptians insisted on using a mercury-based dye for their lipstick -foaming at the mouth and vomiting simply meant that a gurl had descended from the top of the social pyramid; Victorian-Era females, in a spontaneous, syncopated movement, flocked to stores in droves to get their finger appendages and opposable thumbs on skeletal sculpting corsets. Intense research into these glorious nanoseconds on the clock of evolution has revealed tenet number one of all gurls: pain is beauty.

Demonstrating what specialists from all remotely scientific fields deem as laudable application of know-how, the American sub-subspecies of woman discovered that sticking a vacuum to the surface of one's thigh or belly at a thirty-six degree angle could potentially rid these areas of excess fatty tissue. And so emerged the dawn of liposuction and reconstructive surgery, more popularly known as the Plastozoic/Cenozoic Era. Dr. Scarlett O'Henry, leading scientist in the field of Molecular Rearrangement, was heard saying to her second cousin's brother-in-law: "Thanks to the dawn of liposuction and reconstructive surgery, more popularly known as the Plastozoic/Cenozoic Era, hideously ugly women don't have to feel so bad about being hideously ugly! This is truly a new, feel-good era."

Thus, in accordance with Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" theory, social developments such as Halo and pornography affected the weaker Homunculus alone. Graphic images combined with simultaneous sexual stimulation seemed to defy the psychological capabilities of individual homunculi, or little men, causing the creatures to suffer a massive overall reduction in brain mass (the average size has been carefully estimated to be around nine ounces, compared to the pre-Halo pornography era of nine point seven ounces). With virtually no ability to cogitate, the Homunculus experienced extreme difficulty in securing food and subsequently vanished from all regions of the orbis terrarum**, leaving the members of the Homo Gurlis as the undisputed ninth level consumers.

At first, this species persisted in its resilience, inventing the brassiere and bikini. It dominated the political arena and seized control of the airwaves, gaining the reverence of millions with comments such as, "Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and "I am a desperate housewife."***

As time passed, however, enduring superficial demands led to an atmosphere saturated with greenhouse gases and trans hydrogenated fat. Such changes in the biosphere took an inevitable toll on the Homo Gurlis as the Plastozoic/Cenozoic period drew to a close. Corrective surgery became obsolete as nature took over: Individual gurls discovered an increasing plasticity in their limbs as well as a sudden uniformity in hair color and style; their new heads of fabulous blonde tresses eventually grew to such quality and quantity that, were he still alive today, homunculi Donald Trump would surely experience the psychological sensations of envy and shame; the female cranial cavity, once a container for healthy cognitive tissue, now served as storage space for inanimate objects termed as 'fresh, sun kissed lips;' most alarming of all, however, was the loss of mandible motility, caused by the lack of nutrient intake.****

Due to such dramatic changes, the Homo Gurlis was declared as extinct in 2000 A.D.; in its place, scientists recognized the Barbae Plasticae, characterized as vapid, very bendy, and copyrighted by Mattel, Inc. Although most scientists agree that the decline of the Homo Gurlis is lamentable, Dr. Schwarzenegger of Tinsel Town University sees it as a positive development and asserts, "ziar feine leggs an neighsely toned ahrms maikh zem veery popeulaar candyidates iin Californiah."*****


* girl

** Latin for Earth

*** comments made by First Ladies Eleanor Roosevelt and Laura Bush

**** dieting

***** their fine legs and nicely toned arms make them very popular candidates in California

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

'Dr.' Wang idles her days away in the smelly armpit of America: New Jersey. She is currently researching the best way to attain a swimsuit body; her results thus far have indicated that diet and exercise may actually lead to gum disease. Her sole ambition is to act in a movie in which she wins a Nobel Prize while starring opposite Brad Pitt.