EST. May 2000 (AD)


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HW Dispatch

News for Happy Women


Police were called backstage to Penelope Philthrop Theatre after a messenger reported seeing a powdery substance on a dressing table.

Superintendent Alan Chancer said they received a report at 7 p.m. that a suspicious powder was spotted on a mirror next to a razor blade. Unfortunately, police were unable to test the substance as one of the coordinators of the event panicked and flushed it down the toilet before police arrived.

Reporter Sal Ventura who was covering the event for Women's Wear Daily said that the mood was surprisingly upbeat. "Most people when told they that may have been exposed to anthrax would be distraught but not these women. They were inspirational."

The models declined to be tested for exposure stating that they were "fine, just fine." and that they'd "just like to get on with the show."

Ventura found their bravery moving. "I think they set a great example for all of us."



Lilian Craymore started the first leg of her transatlantic journey yesterday.

Craymore 35, vows to walk across the Atlantic to raise money for the United Peace Council.

A crowd of 7 well wishers held banners and waved tearful good-byes as Lilian set out yesterday at 4:00 p.m. EST. The journey is expected to take over 2 years.

"I've always wanted peace because I think it is good, so I thought I would do something about it."

Craymore went into training two weeks ago. She started by powerwalking in malls until she was able to master courtyard fountains.

She admits that she has never walked across a large body of water before but said "with a positive attitude you can do anything!"

The Mary Kay Representative leaves behind her 2 children a husband and four toy poodles.


Scuttlebutt (Ernest Mundson) a recent graduate of Chuckles Academy has been asked to turn in his nose by school officials. Reviewing the final exams, officials discovered that Mundson's essay "The Art of Spritz" was actually written in 1942 by Googlio (Enrico Rosarez). Mundson, famous in Skylark for falling down while running and pulling a seemingly never-ending hanky from his pocket, refused comment.

This is not the first time Mundson has been in the hotseat. Dryden area clown Klosso called Scuttlebutt a "big fat booger" and sued him for stealing his "frightened-by-little-dog-scale-a-telephone-pole" routine. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum and an apology, but Scuttlebutt was in the news again last month when Stinky MacElwaine accused him of lifting his famous "sad-face-happy-face."

Mundson, interviewed at his trailer in Skylark issued a denial. "If you want to find similarities in anything you will find them if you look hard enough. For example apples and oranges. Apples are round, oranges are round, apples have seeds, oranges have seeds--do you see where I'm going with this?" Mundsen then attempted to juggle the fruit and after five attempts gave up, pulled down his pants and squirted this reporter with a chrysanthemum.