PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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HW Dispatch: News for Happy Women

Mother who Forgot to Call Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free Jailed for Child Abuse -

"Well, it was my turn to be 'it' in a game of hide-and-seek," said Jane Junedoll, "and I counted to ten, the kids scattered, and then I went in the living room and sat down to enjoy an hour of peace and quiet watching Oprah. One thing led to another, and the next thing I know it's Saturday and the kids are still 'hiding.'"

E.H.

Drug Czar Announces Tupperware Added to Controlled Substance List -

Citing his wife's addiction as a prime example, Drug Czar Enrique Vasquez Smith, announced today that he has unilaterally declared Tupperware a controlled substance. "My whole house has been taken over by the colorful plastic bowls with airtight lids," he said in a prepared statement. "My wife began by purchasing 'harmless' Rubbermaid products, then moved up to Tupperware. Now, she can't get enough of the stuff. To make matters worse, she regularly has her dealer come to the house, where the two of them recruit others to the deadly addiction." Under the new law, anyone caught possessing more than 3 pieces of Tupperware will be subject to federal criminal charges with sentences ranging from fines to life in prison.

E.H.

Woman Fails to Sell Newspaper Collection at Auction, Sues eBay -

A Minot, ND, housewife has sued online auctioneer eBay over her failed bid to sell her newspaper collection. "I get the daily paper, and what are you supposed to do after you're done reading it? I stack mine up in the corner, but the pile had nearly reached the ceiling. I thought, 'Maybe I could make a few extra dollars by selling these on eBay.' So, I listed them but didn't get a single bid. I want my listing fees back, but eBay says no." Shockingly, not a single bidder showed any interest in the collection of 148 issues of the Minot Record-Reporter, dated between March and July, 2002. eBay's attorneys had no comment.

E.H.

Model rejects Darwin's Theory of Evolution

Supermodel Vim called a press converence Tuesday to officially announce her rejection of the evolution theory. " I think that ape stuff is stupid."

Asked if she was a Creationist she said "No, I'm a Hungarian but that's irregardless."

Dr. Edmond Forester spokesperson for the Lower Poughkeepsie Scientific community was quoted as saying "I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Vim looked radiant in a black slit to the waist Katayone Adeli one piece and a pair of Alexander McQueen's knee-high boots, topping the ensemble with a Gucci oblong handbag. Her boyfriend, swimmer turned model-turned producer Brock Lasalle supported Vim during the 15 second conference and vowed to stand by her.

Indiana Woman claims Regis Philbin is stealing her material.

Janine Harper caused a stir in her town when she announced her intention to sue Regis Philbin. Harper host of cable access hwo Live to tape with Janine and Roger claims that Philbin star of Live With Regis and Kelly has been regularly pilfering her material.

She claims that she created the phrase "gimme a break". Harper contacted yesterday in her Pfefferlaw home said "gimme" isn't even a word - doesn't that prove something?"

Lawyers for Philbin dismiss the lawsuit as frivolus siting that Live with Regis and Kelly (Kathie Lee) has been on air for 15 years and has an audience of 23 million people daily while Live to Tape with Janine and Roger has only been on air 3 1/2 weeks and has an audience of 30.

Harper was quoted as saying "It doesn't matter who is right or who was wrong it is a matter of principle."

Skimmers:

Zoo Worker charges Sam the Signing Baboon with Sexual Harrassment

Goths Confused After Fashion Guru Declares White the New Black