EST. May 2000 (AD)


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HW Dispatch

News for Happy Women

Montana Woman Concedes Defeat

Single mother Carolyn Fishburn of Anaconda, Montana, held a news conference Tuesday night to concede defeat in her bid to take control of her household. "I ran a good campaign," Fishburn read from a prepared statement, "but, ultimately, I could not muster enough votes to maintain my seat as home governor." Fishburn went on to blame Nintendo and Fox television, specifically The Simpsons program, for her defeat. "My platform of sit-down family dinners, wholesome values, and participation in extracurricular activities fell flat with my children," she admitted. The five Fishburn children echoed their mother's sentiments. "We really only want to eat cookies and play video games," said 14-year-old Johnny, the eldest, acting as spokesman for the family. "When we went to the polls, we seized our opportunity to oust the incumbent and install new leadership." Carolyn Fishburn, who was running unopposed, also blamed her 8-year-old daughter for the election-day loss. "Julie represented the swing vote, and I thought I had her support sewn up when I agreed to let her wear a princess costume for Halloween. Obviously, she betrayed me, and I won't soon forget it." It's unclear who will now lead the Fishburn family. Political pundits have named Homer Simpson and Crash Bandicoot as the frontrunners.




Children's Game Goes Wrong, Proves Adage

Ten-year-old Tommy Mahew had the unfortunate honor of proving correct the timeless maternal adage "Sure, it's funny until someone loses an eye" when he sustained a suction cup dart injury during a game of cops and robbers Saturday afternoon. Wearing a white gauze bandage over his left eye, Tommy shook his head sadly and told reporters, "We were having a lot of fun until this happened. I should have listened to Mom." Having now been scientifically proven, the vision safety maxim, repeated by mothers throughout the centuries, joins other timeless axioms in the mother's arsenal, such as "Eat your vegetables; they're good for you" and "No one ever died from taking a bath."




Cosmetics Now to be Tested on PETA Members

Major cosmetics manufacturers, bowing to pressure from the animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have agreed to suspend all further animal testing and instead will test their products on PETA volunteers. "We have found that animal testing isn't all that valuable, anyway," said cosmetic scientist Thackery Lavelle. "We only did it to keep the FDA happy. Now that PETA has graciously agreed to get involved, we expect to obtain scientifically valid data on precisely what side effects a woman can expect if she inadvertently dumps 12 grams of eyeshadow into her eye during the course of her morning beautification ritual." Not everyone at PETA support the measure, however. A splinter faction of the group's membership picketed the press conference, apparently objecting to the names of proposed lip and nail color lines for fall. "We won't stand for Tantalizing Tangerine," shouted one bearded protester. "It's patently offensive to citrus fruits, which may or may not be as enticing, alluring or provocative as this name implies." No word yet on how the cosmetics companies will handle this new boycott threat.