EST. May 2000 (AD)


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HW Dispatch

News for Happy Women

Saddam Found Alive in Roswell, New Mexico

Two teenage convenience store clerks reported today that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was one of their customers last night. The Iraqi dictator has widely been believed dead as a result of coalition air strikes on Baghdad. The two clerks report a man appearing to be Saddam entered their Allsup's Convenience Store around 10:30 p.m. and purchased a box of assorted Hostess Gems Donuts, a bag of Fritos Scoops, and several packages of Slim Jim snacks. Saddam reportedly said, "I've got the munchies, dude," before paying in cash and exiting the store. He fled on foot to a waiting 1959 Chevrolet pickup truck occupied by a blonde "biker type chick," which drove down State Highway 77 before disappearing from view. U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says his office is aware of the report and that "the full resources of U.S. intelligence" have been allocated to follow up on this lead.

Woman has Half a Notion not to Tip Hairdresser

At a press conference on her front lawn, attended by three neighborhood children, two dogs, and a mildly curious passerby, Olivia Wingfield of Medicine Hat, Alberta, announced that she nearly decided not to tip her hairdresser Monday. "I wasn't entirely pleased with the cut," Wingfield stated, "and I had half a notion not to leave a tip. It wasn't a fully formed notion, however, so I decided not to go with it." Wingfield reports she wound up leaving a $2 tip on a $20 cut. The hairdresser in question was not identified and had no comment.

Pepper Spray an Effective Deterrent for SARS Virus

Cooter, Oklahoma, resident Farley Maxwell has invented a unique defense against contracting the deadly SARS respiratory virus. "Whenever one of them Oriental type people get within spitting distance, I whip out my pepper spray and mace 'em," the elderly gentleman reports. "That sends 'em running in the other direction but fast!" Scientists are quick to point out that capsaicin, the primary ingredient in pepper spray, has shown no antiviral properties and that it's possible to contract SARS from anyone infected with the virus, not just Asian people.

Supermodel Files Federal Suit Against Gravity

At a hastily called press conference today, supermodel Cheetah Vermeil announced she has filed a $10 billion lawsuit against gravity. "When I slipped off my ten-inch platform shoes on the runway in Milan last fall and twisted my ankle, my manager told me there was nothing to blame but gravity. I feel gravity owes me an apology and should compensate me for lost wages, pain and suffering," the supermodel declared in her breathy, little-girl voice. "Gravity is a menace that causes countless accidents each year, not to mention it makes our boobs sag." The supermodel also announced that she planned to introduce legislation making gravity illegal. "Just because it's a Law of Physics doesn't mean we should blindly follow it," she said.

© 2002-2003 Elizabeth Hanes