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HW Dispatch

ASHTON KUTCHER DATING SELF

HOLLYWOOD-Ashton Kutcher, star of "That '70s Show," and recent datemate of such luminary leading ladies as Demi Moore, Alicia Silverstone, Renee Zellwegger, Elizabeth Taylor, and Doris Day is now officially dating himself. "It's true," confirms Kutcher's publicist, Natalie Greenspan of Greenspan and Associates. "Ashton decided he was the perfect date, so he asked himself out. It's been a whirlwind romance since then." In a recent interview, Kutcher himself expressed delight at how his current relationship is progressing. "I get along with myself really well," he said. "I like the same things I like, and I rarely get into an argument. It's the ideal situation, really." He reveals, however, that intimate relations could be a problem area if this relationship turns serious. "The thing is," Kutcher confides, "I'm pretty kinky in the bedroom, and I'm not sure if I'm totally comfortable with that."

FLOCKHART'S SON OUTWEIGHS HER

BEVERLY HILLS-Medical sources present at the annual checkup of former Ally McBeal star Calista Flockhart's adopted son, Liam, age 2, report he weighed in at 37 pounds. That's a whopping ten pounds more than his mother! "I don't know what she feeds that kid, but he obviously eats better than she does," said the receptionist of Dr. Angela Dromedary, who asked that her name not be used. Flockhart's publicist denied that Calista's rail-thin frame is unhealthy. "Liam is a healthy boy, that's for sure," said Tina Chanteuse, "but Calista is also healthy. At 27 pounds, she's right on target for her height of two feet, three inches." Added Chanteuse, "Calista's fans can watch for her in the upcoming TriStar movie 'Autumn in Boston,' in which she's been cast as 'Leaf Blowing in Wind.' We're all very excited for her."

PUBLISHER SCRAPS PLANS FOR MADONNA'S CHILDREN'S BOOKS

LONDON-KidPub, the children's books division of HarperCollins, announced today that it has parted ways with Madonna after signing her to a $20-jillion contract to pen a series of children's books. KidPub spokesperson Rona Bermheiser cited concerns about the songstress's proposed plot line involving children dressed in black latex thigh boots whipping each other with soft suede cats-o-nine-tails. "Perhaps we could have considered that in a Halloween context," Bermheiser said in a prepared statement, "but we still would have had a hard time justifying the part where little Justin, the 'fairy prince,' gets his nipple pierced." For her part, Madonna expressed regret at the canceled contract but optimism about the future of her $2-million advance. "I think kids today are much more sophisticated than in days past and would have understood the deeper, existential message behind the stories," she said. "It's disappointing," she said of the canceled contract, "but the most important thing is I get to keep the money they've already paid me."

PAMELA ANDERSON DISCUSSES NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

LOS ANGELES-In this month's issue of Famous People magazine, Pamela Anderson reveals for the first time a brush with death that changed her life forever. "It happened before I was famous. I remember seeing a bright white light and heard voices," she reports, "but I just felt like I still had important work to do here on earth." The voices grew louder and louder, according to the jiggly actress. "Soon, I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't dead. I had just fallen asleep on a tanning bed at my local salon."

JENNIFER LOPEZ AND BEN AFFLECK NOT IN THE NEWS TODAY

HOLLYWOOD-Lovebirds Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck didn't do anything newsworthy today, according to various paparazzi. "I followed J.Lo for hours," said photographer Jay Lemmings, "but all she did was run a couple of errands and have lunch alone at a local deli." Hunky Affleck's day was no better, said photog Annmarie St. John. "I saw Ben leave his house, and I followed him at breakneck speed on my Vespa. He tried to elude me by zig-zagging and ducking behind a tree, but I was able to beat him to the end of his driveway, where he picked up the newspaper and returned inside." Fans of the pair shouldn't be discouraged by this lackluster day, however. "I heard Jenny and Ben are going to a 4^th of July celebration," Lemmings reported, "and that could lead to some real fireworks."

© 2002-2003 Elizabeth Hanes

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