PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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INSTANT MESSAGING CAUSES CANCER

The Centers for Disease Control report that instant messaging has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. "It wasn't the cancer finding that surprised us so much as how well the mice could type," said Dr. Ferdinand Ellard. "Once introduced to the AOL Instant Messenger, the mice quickly set up buddy lists to exchange tips with their friends in other laboratories throughout the U.S. and Canada." Of the 53 mice involved in the experiment, three developed cancer, a dozen suffered from eyestrain, and about 50 developed a deep-seated hatred of America Online. AOL quickly released a statement claiming that their own studies showed that instant messaging is loaded with antioxidants and contributes to a healthy diet. They also offered the disgruntled mice a CD containing 960 hours of free internet access with no credit card required.

SOY DRINKS A "TERRORIST PLOT"

Starbucks employee Chad Templeton turned in his smock Saturday after serving yet another soy chai latte. "Don't you people know this whole soy thing is, like, a terrorist plot?" he raved at customers waiting politely. "And what the hell is 'chai,' anyway?" A company veteran, with 15 hours of service to his credit, Templeton was escorted outside, where he was eager to speak to reporters, if only any had been available. In light of the frenzied media absence, Templeton announced to no one in particular that he thought he'd "go home and watch TV until Dad kicks me out."

SUPERMODEL TO RESUME EATING

At a hastily called press conference today, Italian supermodel Vivendi Universal announced her retirement. "Now that my best modeling years are behind me, I plan to eat like a pig," the 24-year-old said. "It's been a great ride, and I don't regret the starvation, the self-deprivation or the frequent hospital stays for intravenous fluid therapy," she added. "However, I'm relieved I can now stuff myself and retire as a fat old woman." Smiling for the paparazzi (who had all been ordered to stand to the left in order to photograph Universal's "good" side), the former supermodel ushered in her retirement by pigging out on a strand of pasta and four kernels of corn.

COMPANY CREATES "EXTREME" JOBS

In a bid to boost employee morale and cultivate a hipper image, stodgy investment banking firm Hamilton Hardway last week added the word "extreme" to every job title. "I kind of like it," commented Extreme Vice President in Charge of Finance Jake Robertson. "It makes me feel cool." This sentiment was echoed by Extreme Portfolio Investment Counselor Angela Dupree. "I love it! I really identify with it. It really sums up what I do." Not everyone at the company was thrilled, however. Extreme Janitorial Emergencies Supervisor Raymond Blacklock commented, "In janitorial emergencies, extreme is never good."

 

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