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EST. May 2000 (AD)




HW Dispatch

News for Happy Women!


Couple Cancels Marriage due to Low Ratings

Emily and Paul Bainbridge, the lead actors in the Norton-Bainbridge union, jointly announced the marriage has been pulled from the fall schedule. "After seven successful years, we've had to face the reality of declining interest in our daily show," Paul Bainbridge said. "Frankly, we felt we'd exhausted all possible storylines, leaving these characters with no room for growth," Emily Bainbridge said. Paul admitted that the creative relationship had sometimes been rocky, but denied reports that salary inequities were to blame for the cancellation. "I've never begrudged Emily her larger salary, even though I felt we both contributed equally to the success of the series," he said, to which Emily replied, "Now it comes out. He's always been jealous of my salary and has resented my surging career." Emily, who has already lined up a guest appearance with Brad Winthrop on his evolving psychodrama "A Series of Affairs," plans to take a brief vacation after her contract expires. Fans of the Norton-Bainbridge show planned to hold parties marking the series finale, to be performed live in the courtroom of District Judge William Goldblum, and watch re-runs of the couple's home movies. "Tuesday night fondue just isn't going to be the same without Emily and Paul," sniffed longtime fan Mary Hollingsworth.

Unusual Names Cause Homosexuality

The conservative men's group A Conservative Men's Group, citing extensive research involving a 20-second review of the smash hit program "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," has determined that giving boys names such as Kyan, Jai and Carson causes homosexuality. "Obviously, parents should refrain from attaching such appellations to their sons and give them manly names, instead. Names like Steve and James and Arnold," said spokesman Ronald Joseph Williams. "But not Michael," added the author of the study, Leo Allen Busch, "for obvious reasons." The Alabama-based group's other recommendations for ensuring a boy's heterosexuality included discouraging any interest in the color wheel, encouraging him to take bullriding lessons and making him drink domestic beer directly from the can.

New Line of Cheap Mother's Day Cards for Mediocre Mothers

Hallmark, responding to consumer backlash over the price of Mother's Day greeting cards, has announced a new line aimed at capturing the mediocre mom market. Dubbed "So-So Sentiments," the line will provide value-priced cards for less-than-perfect mothers. With verses such as, "You didn't screw me up as much as you could have / And for that I'm grateful / So I guess you're worth this $1 card," and "I love you / But not as much / As I might / If you weren't / Constantly belittling me," the cards will be priced between 50-cents and $1.50. "We felt there was a real market for cards targeting women who might not otherwise receive a Mother's Day card," said Hallmark spokeswoman Betty Eldridge. "This way, even shoddy mothers - the ones who perhaps don't deserve a flowery $4 sentiment - can be acknowledged as at least adequate."

Satan Sues 43,000,000 for Copyright Infringement

Claiming he invented Deviled Eggs on the eighth day, the Prince of Darkness has launched a class action lawsuit against kitchen economists across the nation. "I first invented the hard cooked eggs with tangy filling as a vehicle for tempting Eve, but the apple turned out to be a better option, since it didn't require refrigeration," Satan said. "I immediately set down detailed instructions on how to make them because I knew they would be a real hit at potlucks." Indeed, the rubbery half-eggs have proven to be a summer picnic and holiday staple. Various recipes for Deviled Eggs have appeared in cookbooks over the years, and Satan argues he holds copyright to all of those various incarnations. Copyright attorney Lance Fulbright doubts the devil will be able to prevail in his lawsuit. "I have two words for Mr. Prince of Darkness: public domain," said Fulbright. However, Satan claims he's still alive and well - pointing to the Iraq War and Michael Jackson as recent examples of his handiwork - and believes he will win his case.

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©2004 Elizabeth Hanes

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