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The Loneliest Barstool:
How to survive and thrive in your newfound singlehood

By Sarah W. Szucs

Although getting to singlehood may have been a painful and tear-filled event, you're here now. Welcome to the club!

Let's start with a few quick tips for all newcomers getting into the pool. First off, look in the mirror. Was it your fault your last mate left? Is your hair limp? Is your face too puffy? Immediately start dieting and get a perm. Also, now is the time to experiment with makeup - your face is a canvas and cupid awaits! Lastly, go through your closet and throw out everything that doesn't make you look hot. You've got to market yourself and there's a lot of competition to deal with.

Now, on to the party! Being single means saying "yes" to any and every social invitation that drifts your way, and finagling your way into invitations that somehow circumvented your mailbox. Make friends with all the single people you know, and go out with them whenever you are not at work. This will give you someone to talk to while hunting Mr. Right, and keep you from smelling of complete desperation.

Many singles enjoy being out in public, mingling with other single-minded people. Going out after work to happy hour is a major step in establishing your single hood status. Meeting new people, trying new drinks and eating free hours d' oeuvres is quite conducive to the formation of new and exciting romance.

Single people like having fun, and after a few two-for-one drink specials, dancing is a big part of that fun. Once you are on the dance floor, be sure to stand in a circle with all of your single friends. You are prime real estate and want to be seen by the entire bar. Proper "product placement" is a key factor in catching the eye of Mr. Right.

The dance steps for the single woman on the prowl should show off her best qualities. If you have beautiful, dreamy eyes make sure to do lots of hand gesturing that show them off. Some of these movements may be dramatic fanning of the hands around the head, or playful peek-a-boo motions towards anyone gazing at you. Should you have lovely nails, the same movements may be done, but be sure to emphasize the fact that your ring finger is barren. This green light will let Mr. Right know that yes, you are indeed available.

Some women have an interest in showing off other physical attributes. To draw attention to your torso, backside or clapping ability you need to have an engaging dance that will both entertain and entrance potential mates. This simple dance is most effective when performed in a circle with your other single friends. With the left foot leading take one step forward. Bring the right foot forward up next to the left foot, touchdown, then quickly swing the right foot out to the right side about twelve inches. Next, bring the left foot over twelve inches to meet the right foot. Touch down with the left foot then quickly bring the left foot backwards twelve inches. The right foot at that point should swing back twelve inches to meet the left foot. The left foot should quickly be brought over twelve inches to the left. With your weight bearing down on the left foot, bring the right foot over twelve inches to the left and touchdown. Repeat this "square step" dance in time to the music, while clapping enthusiastically with every foot movement. (Note: the dance ends when the music stops. Be sure to adjust the tempo of your dance to the various rhythms playing throughout the evening. This dance may be done while chatting with other dancers and looks good to have a drink in one hand, except if clapping. Purses may be piled in the center of the dancing square steppers for safekeeping.)

Once a potential suitor approaches you it is easy for him to join in on the fun of the circle of square steppers. You may talk with him lightheartedly in an atmosphere of circle safety. As songs are short, get down to the basics as soon as you establish eye contact. Suggestions for things to find out in two minutes or less: religious beliefs, baggage, plans for the future, income, and if he is wearing a wedding ring find out if he is really serious about his wife. Be warned, as long as you remain in the circle of square steppers you will continue be joined by other potential mates. Remember to have fun and not take things too seriously. This is your time to enjoy life and bask in the knowledge that the more mates you seduce into joining the square stepping circle the greater your chance of getting to the altar by next Valentines Day!

©2004 Sarah W. Szucs

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sarah W. Szucs is a previously unpublished writer of comedy and satire. She and her family live in Western New York State with their Cocker Spaniel "Scout."

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