What's In Your Stars for March?

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) A fight is brewing with a loved one. You can avoid separation and a possible assault by removing the word "irregardless" from your vocabulary and using a glass when you drink milk.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) Your friends are throwing you a surprise birthday party. They don't know about your seafood allergy so don't accuse them of trying to kill you. Stick to the crudités and refrain from complaining about what a "big gyp" it is.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19) Compared the the last year these next couple of weeks are going to be very exciting for you. You will find the remote control and remember your third grade teacher's name. Enjoy this while you can because April looks really, really bad. Avoid sticks.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) You will lock your keys in the car on the 15th but with your typical stick-to-it-ive-ness will be able to remedy the situation by the 30th. Also avoid being taller than other people.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/20) You are very quick and intelligent and always on the look-out for business opportunities. Please keep in mind you need training to be involved in organ-harvesting no matter how nice you made the brochures look.

Cancer (6/21 - 7/22) Past memories come back to haunt you. Try to put things in perspective. Remember, not every child got a Talking Barbie you were not singled out for abuse.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22) People are tiring of you. Try to start a sentence without using the word "I" and see if your head explodes.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) Your nitpicking will cause someone to threaten you with a pair of pinking shears. You will get the situation under control by telling them the proper way to hold them.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22) You've been in a rather blue mood for the past few months but will find the cloud lifting on the on the 7th when you win a lottery. Your mood will be buoyant until the 23rd when you lose your ticket on the way to claiming the prize.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) Nothing at all is going to happen to you this month. Nothing.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) Your tendency towards recklessness will get you in trouble on the 2nd at noon when you decide to challenge the non-toxic claim of your child's Play-Doh by eating four pounds of it.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) Your tendency to put things off will cause a major problem for you on the 4th especially if your journey to work involves a draw bridge. Learn how to pronounce "bass."