 How
to be Miserable in Ten Easy Men or Less!
By Rondi
Adamson
PAGE
2 OF 2 <<PREVIOUS
5) The
Alcoholic, aka "The Lush." Similar to the Skank except the Lush is
considerably easier to find. And depending on whether he is a happy/sad/flirtatious/
angry drunk, you may not find him that hard to deal with. He has his advantages.
He is usually generous, particularly after a few drinks, and again unlike
the Skank, you can safely cross international borders with him. You may
just have to stop at the Sky Bar first. A few months with this guy will
have you making excuses, covering up, lying and probably drinking too
much along with him. Think of the hangovers! Think of your exploding liver!
6) The
Friends With All His Exes, aka "The Uber-Cool." An unfortunate by-product
of the 1960s, this gent loves to revel in his own sense of sophistication.
And if you object to having to hang out with all his former loves, he'll
chastise you for your "paranoia" and "narrow-mindedness." Hey, shouldn't
we all love each other? (No!) Why all this insecurity? (Because the 60s
are over, loser!) The Uber Cool can do more than just hurt you. He can
make you doubt your own common sense. And what could be more depressing
than having to make nice with babes he used to sleep with? Eeeuuww!
7) The
Perpetually Unemployed, aka "The Parasite." We're not talking about
someone who just lost his job. The Parasite is someone who doesn't see
being employed as a priority. But he does see your being employed as a
priority. Like the Skank, "loans" to this fellow are anything but. Consider
them gifts, because you won't get them back. Hey, what could make you
more miserable than a man who has no self-respect?
8) The
Cheapskate, aka "The Weasel." The Weasel is a half-brother to the
Parasite, the only difference being that's he is employed, more often
than not with an income notably greater than yours. He just doesn't think
you're worthy of having any of that money spent on you. Mean-spirited,
stingy, selfish and always looking out for his own, the Weasel will make
a terrible boyfriend, husband and father. What more could you want?
9) The
Arrogant Slime, aka "The Way Too Full of Himself." We've all met one,
but we haven't all had the misfortune of dating one. The Way Too Full
of Himself likes to talk about all the women he has after him, how easy
it is for him to get lucky and so forth. Often good-looking and tall,
he is famous for the following phrases; "I've got a lot of women trying
to snare me," "baby, don't get hooked on me" and "right now, I have to
think about my own needs." If you're over 30, his immediate assumption
will be that you want to settle down with him and make babies, and if
you're stupid enough to do so, knock yourself out!
10) The
Commitmentphobe, aka "The Gutless Wonder." More an object of pity
than contempt, the Gutless Wonder spends most of his time playing that
most favorite of party-games, "come here/go away." Leaving him is the
hardest part of the relationship, since he always wants you back. Not
being able to commit also means not being able to be alone, and unless
you're willing to brutally burn this bridge, he'll keep you crying ad
infinitum.
So there
you have them: the keys to misery. The best thing about these men is you
don't need all ten of them to sink into the abyss. Two or three of them
should suffice to ruin your life, or even one -- as long as you date several
of him over the years. So break out the tranquilizers, have that 24-hour
crisis phoneline number committed to memory and turn that smile upside
down! As the ad for the movie of your life will say, "you'll cry, you'll
cry, you'll cry."
6) The
Friends With All His Exes, aka "The Uber-Cool." An unfortunate by-product
of the 1960s, this gent loves to revel in his own sense of sophistication.
And if you object to having to hang out with all his former loves, he'll
chastise you for your "paranoia" and "narrow-mindedness." Hey, shouldn't
we all love each other? (No!) Why all this insecurity? (Because the 60s
are over, loser!) The Uber Cool can do more than just hurt you. He can
make you doubt your own common sense. And what could be more depressing
than having to make nice with babes he used to sleep with? Eeeuuww!
7) The
Perpetually Unemployed, aka "The Parasite." We're not talking about
someone who just lost his job. The Parasite is someone who doesn't see
being employed as a priority. But he does see your being employed as a
priority. Like the Skank, "loans" to this fellow are anything but. Consider
them gifts, because you won't get them back. Hey, what could make you
more miserable than a man who has no self-respect?
8) The
Cheapskate, aka "The Weasel." The Weasel is a half-brother to the
Parasite, the only difference being that's he is employed, more often
than not with an income notably greater than yours. He just doesn't think
you're worthy of having any of that money spent on you. Mean-spirited,
stingy, selfish and always looking out for his own, the Weasel will make
a terrible boyfriend, husband and father. What more could you want?
9) The
Arrogant Slime, aka "The Way Too Full of Himself." We've all met one,
but we haven't all had the misfortune of dating one. The Way Too Full
of Himself likes to talk about all the women he has after him, how easy
it is for him to get lucky and so forth. Often good-looking and tall,
he is famous for the following phrases; "I've got a lot of women trying
to snare me," "baby, don't get hooked on me" and "right now, I have to
think about my own needs." If you're over 30, his immediate assumption
will be that you want to settle down with him and make babies, and if
you're stupid enough to do so, knock yourself out!
10) The
Commitmentphobe, aka "The Gutless Wonder." More an object of pity
than contempt, the Gutless Wonder spends most of his time playing that
most favorite of party-games, "come here/go away." Leaving him is the
hardest part of the relationship, since he always wants you back. Not
being able to commit also means not being able to be alone, and unless
you're willing to brutally burn this bridge, he'll keep you crying ad
infinitum.
So there
you have them: the keys to misery. The best thing about these men is you
don't need all ten of them to sink into the abyss. Two or three of them
should suffice to ruin your life, or even one -- as long as you date several
of him over the years. So break out the tranquilizers, have that 24-hour
crisis phoneline number committed to memory and turn that smile upside
down! As the ad for the movie of your life will say, "you'll cry, you'll
cry, you'll cry."
©2001
Rondi Adamson
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