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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to be Miserable in Ten Easy Men or Less!

 

By Rondi Adamson

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5) The Alcoholic, aka "The Lush." Similar to the Skank except the Lush is considerably easier to find. And depending on whether he is a happy/sad/flirtatious/ angry drunk, you may not find him that hard to deal with. He has his advantages. He is usually generous, particularly after a few drinks, and again unlike the Skank, you can safely cross international borders with him. You may just have to stop at the Sky Bar first. A few months with this guy will have you making excuses, covering up, lying and probably drinking too much along with him. Think of the hangovers! Think of your exploding liver!

6) The Friends With All His Exes, aka "The Uber-Cool." An unfortunate by-product of the 1960s, this gent loves to revel in his own sense of sophistication. And if you object to having to hang out with all his former loves, he'll chastise you for your "paranoia" and "narrow-mindedness." Hey, shouldn't we all love each other? (No!) Why all this insecurity? (Because the 60s are over, loser!) The Uber Cool can do more than just hurt you. He can make you doubt your own common sense. And what could be more depressing than having to make nice with babes he used to sleep with? Eeeuuww!

7) The Perpetually Unemployed, aka "The Parasite." We're not talking about someone who just lost his job. The Parasite is someone who doesn't see being employed as a priority. But he does see your being employed as a priority. Like the Skank, "loans" to this fellow are anything but. Consider them gifts, because you won't get them back. Hey, what could make you more miserable than a man who has no self-respect?

8) The Cheapskate, aka "The Weasel." The Weasel is a half-brother to the Parasite, the only difference being that's he is employed, more often than not with an income notably greater than yours. He just doesn't think you're worthy of having any of that money spent on you. Mean-spirited, stingy, selfish and always looking out for his own, the Weasel will make a terrible boyfriend, husband and father. What more could you want?

9) The Arrogant Slime, aka "The Way Too Full of Himself." We've all met one, but we haven't all had the misfortune of dating one. The Way Too Full of Himself likes to talk about all the women he has after him, how easy it is for him to get lucky and so forth. Often good-looking and tall, he is famous for the following phrases; "I've got a lot of women trying to snare me," "baby, don't get hooked on me" and "right now, I have to think about my own needs." If you're over 30, his immediate assumption will be that you want to settle down with him and make babies, and if you're stupid enough to do so, knock yourself out!

10) The Commitmentphobe, aka "The Gutless Wonder." More an object of pity than contempt, the Gutless Wonder spends most of his time playing that most favorite of party-games, "come here/go away." Leaving him is the hardest part of the relationship, since he always wants you back. Not being able to commit also means not being able to be alone, and unless you're willing to brutally burn this bridge, he'll keep you crying ad infinitum.

So there you have them: the keys to misery. The best thing about these men is you don't need all ten of them to sink into the abyss. Two or three of them should suffice to ruin your life, or even one -- as long as you date several of him over the years. So break out the tranquilizers, have that 24-hour crisis phoneline number committed to memory and turn that smile upside down! As the ad for the movie of your life will say, "you'll cry, you'll cry, you'll cry."

6) The Friends With All His Exes, aka "The Uber-Cool." An unfortunate by-product of the 1960s, this gent loves to revel in his own sense of sophistication. And if you object to having to hang out with all his former loves, he'll chastise you for your "paranoia" and "narrow-mindedness." Hey, shouldn't we all love each other? (No!) Why all this insecurity? (Because the 60s are over, loser!) The Uber Cool can do more than just hurt you. He can make you doubt your own common sense. And what could be more depressing than having to make nice with babes he used to sleep with? Eeeuuww!

7) The Perpetually Unemployed, aka "The Parasite." We're not talking about someone who just lost his job. The Parasite is someone who doesn't see being employed as a priority. But he does see your being employed as a priority. Like the Skank, "loans" to this fellow are anything but. Consider them gifts, because you won't get them back. Hey, what could make you more miserable than a man who has no self-respect?

8) The Cheapskate, aka "The Weasel." The Weasel is a half-brother to the Parasite, the only difference being that's he is employed, more often than not with an income notably greater than yours. He just doesn't think you're worthy of having any of that money spent on you. Mean-spirited, stingy, selfish and always looking out for his own, the Weasel will make a terrible boyfriend, husband and father. What more could you want?

9) The Arrogant Slime, aka "The Way Too Full of Himself." We've all met one, but we haven't all had the misfortune of dating one. The Way Too Full of Himself likes to talk about all the women he has after him, how easy it is for him to get lucky and so forth. Often good-looking and tall, he is famous for the following phrases; "I've got a lot of women trying to snare me," "baby, don't get hooked on me" and "right now, I have to think about my own needs." If you're over 30, his immediate assumption will be that you want to settle down with him and make babies, and if you're stupid enough to do so, knock yourself out!

10) The Commitmentphobe, aka "The Gutless Wonder." More an object of pity than contempt, the Gutless Wonder spends most of his time playing that most favorite of party-games, "come here/go away." Leaving him is the hardest part of the relationship, since he always wants you back. Not being able to commit also means not being able to be alone, and unless you're willing to brutally burn this bridge, he'll keep you crying ad infinitum.

So there you have them: the keys to misery. The best thing about these men is you don't need all ten of them to sink into the abyss. Two or three of them should suffice to ruin your life, or even one -- as long as you date several of him over the years. So break out the tranquilizers, have that 24-hour crisis phoneline number committed to memory and turn that smile upside down! As the ad for the movie of your life will say, "you'll cry, you'll cry, you'll cry."


©2001 Rondi Adamson

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