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EST. May 2000 (AD)




New Guinea Miracle Face-lift

by Linda Konrad

Want a face and neck as tight as Oprah's yoga pants but hate the idea of surgery? The ladies of the Wingama tribe of Papua New Guinea never use plastic surgery, mostly because the sight of the rusty knives used at the boys' circumcision parties is a real turnoff. Yet these women have the kind of face Joan Rivers would die for. Now you can, too (get the face, not die).

There are two ways to achieve the smooth-as-a-cue ball look. The first involves flying to Brisbane, Australia, catching a connecting flight to Cairns, chartering a private plane to Bamoga, then riding the mail boat across the Torres Strait to Kerema, Papua New Guinea. In Kerema, stop by Jim's Jungle Tours and Vacation Timeshares and hire a guide to take you across the aptly-named Fly River and into the heart of the rainforest. Follow the smell of roasting cockroaches to the Wingama Tribal Village and Spa-home of the New Guinea Makeover. Ask for the Miracle Face-lift or choose the deluxe package which includes the lift, full body tattooing and earlobe elongation.

You will be shown to your own private hut where your topless hostesses will use all natural ingredients and the laws of physics to create the new you. Relax as they massage warm pig grease into your face and pour aromatic river mud, complete with mosquito larva infusion, over your head. Revel in the exhilarating feel of multiple hands coaxing your hair into an earthen bun. When the head aesthetician inserts a charmingly primitive stick into your new do, remember that smooth skin is worth any price. As the ladies turn the winch handle attached to your stick, you will experience a pleasant tingling sensation in your hair follicles. Next you'll notice a marked tightening of the forehead, and you'll feel your eyebrows being drawn toward your hairline. Only a few more twists of the stick and your bags, crows feet, laugh lines and jowls are history!

If all of this seems too complicated, you can try the do-it-yourself alternative using a half cup of Dippity-do, a pencil and a C-clamp. If your at-home results are less than miraculous, mortgage your house and head to New Guinea.

© 2004 Linda Konrad


While Linda Konrad is an eclectic writer who pumps out (okay, who struggles with) novels, short stories and pieces for happywomanmagazine.com, her real love is screenwriting. She just finished a screenplay about a nasty colossal squid and is currently working on one featuring a nasty hurricane.

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