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New Year's Resolutions

By Elizabeth Hanes

Even if you pretty much lack any kind of resolve whatsoever, we've managed to come up with some resolutions that everyone can live with. Resolutions to help you be a happy woman in body, mind, and spirit throughout the year.

This year, resolve to.

Claim Your Body Don't buy into that whole thing about diet and exercise being the only ways to lose weight and keep it off! For crying out loud, who has time for 20 minutes of exercise a day? Diet pills, both over the counter and prescription, can help you shed those unwanted holiday pounds, especially if taken at twice the recommended dosage. And the jitteriness and hair loss are only temporary! Also, don't overlook the benefits of liposuction and stomach stapling for more permanent weight-loss solutions.

Food may indeed be our bodies' fuel, but how many of us run Super Premium Unleaded in our cars, either? Your flesh-and-blood machine will operate quite efficiently on high-octane carbohydrates such as Pop-Tarts, Egg McMuffins, Cheez Whiz, and Oreo cookies, especially with the occasional NutriGrain bar thrown in.

Beauty definitely is skin deep, and that's why you need to look into rhinoplasty, breast enlargement, and permanent eyeliner tattoos this year. Choose a new nose from your plastic surgeon's catalog, spend a few hours under the knife, and voila! It's a new you for 2001! Breast implants aren't just for young women. If you feel inadequate in this area (and, frankly, who doesn't?) ask your surgeon about combining breast enlargement surgery with the rhinoplasty. You'll look sensational and possibly save a few thousand dollars in the bargain! For those on a tighter budget, seek out a reputable tattoo artist in your area and have permanent eyeliner tattooed onto your eyelids. Sure, the lines might appear thicker and darker as you mature and your eyelids begin to sag, but then who doesn't want to look like Bette Davis in her old age?

Get a New Attitude Get a fresh start on life by forgiving past wounds. Phone up people who you feel wronged you during the last year, especially those who have no idea they offended you. Tell them how much it hurt, and how angry you were. Cry and say you thought your life was ruined, but now you realize you must forgive them in order to move forward emotionally. Once they're angry or in tears, thank them for listening and quickly hang up the phone. Laugh.

Make positive thinking work for you. Begin each day with an affirmation, such as: "I'm positive that cheating bastard is taking his secretary out for drinks again tonight." "I know I'm good enough to get that promotion, and if I don't then I positively will set the boss's office on fire." "I am an intelligent woman, and I know I can avoid testing positive on the pre-employment drug screening."

Set realistic goals. You can conquer the world if you want to, but it must be done one step at a time. Realistically, you can figure on making one major change in your life each week of the year, so set 52 attainable goals and begin working on them immediately. For example, one week you may wish to lose 50 pounds, while another week you commit to volunteering 100 hours at the hospital, library or old-folks' home. Another week, you might commit to a regular, ongoing schedule of weekly "intimate" time alone with your spouse, or build a deck in the backyard. One week you could quit smoking, and the next week learn how to play the piano. Each week of the year holds endless possibilities for making life-altering changes. Don't be afraid to go for it!

Enrich Your Spirit Listen to your inner voice in order to reach a place of calm tranquility. A spiritual woman is a happy woman. Here are our suggestions for broadening your spirituality.

Become a more giving person. Give other drivers the finger more often when they cut you off. Give your daughter a hearty guffaw when she announces that she wants to get her tongue pierced. Give your philandering husband the ultimatum you've always wanted to. Give your divorce attorney the green light to seek substantial alimony payments. Give yourself a new Ferrari. With a matching Italian pool boy called Alfredo.

Start an on-line journal at one of many sites that offer such a service. There, you can record your most intimate thoughts for the whole world to see. Record prurient entries every day. Provide plenty of sexual details, and be sure to name names. As your on-line "handle", use the name of your husband's mistress.

Reinvent yourself daily. One day, be a sweet, charming person. The next, be a raving lunatic. Another day, be pensive and introspective. The next, flash your underpants at a group of construction workers. Through meditation, and plenty of dry martinis, look inside and discern who you really are. Be that person for a day, or until it's not fun anymore, and then go back to being your mother.

The year holds all the promise of a new millennium and also the promise of a new you. Resolve to become happy in body, mind and spirit.

We wish you the best!

©2001 Elizabeth Hanes

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